


Self Control

by nofeartina



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: 10 years later, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bottom Even, Bottom Isak, Boyfriends Being Cute, Break Up, But no cheating though!, Even being Extra, Even wants Isak back, Even/OC (brief), Fluff and Smut, Getting Back Together, Isak has another boyfriend, Isak is kinda angry about it, Kissing, M/M, Top Even, Top Isak, blowjob, handjob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-03 00:17:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 28,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11520534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nofeartina/pseuds/nofeartina
Summary: “I never meant to hurt you, Isak.”Without any pause Isak replies, “Well, you did.” He looks him in the eyes, and continues. “You fucked me up, Even.”





	1. You made me lose my self control

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has lived in my head for far too long, and it’s finally time for me to share it with you guys. This has been hard to write for some reason, and without the constant cheerleading and hand-holding from my glorious beta Mornmeril, I wouldn’t have been able to finish it. So I owe you BIG time, babe, I know how hard this was for you too… <3 <3 <3 
> 
> I’ve been listening to Frank Ocean’s “Self Control” almost non-stop while writing and this entire fic basically grew from that song. Chapters are titled after the lyrics.
> 
> This fic is finished and a new chapter will be posted every 4 days. Additional tags will be added along the way. Don’t let yourself be fooled by the OC-tag, Evak is definitely the endgame! It wouldn’t be possible for me to write it any other way… :D
> 
> Enjoy!

Isak is nervous. He fucking hates to admit it, but he _is_ , can’t deny how fast his blood is running through his veins or how sweaty he feels. He wishes he wasn’t. He tells himself over and over that he has nothing to be nervous about. It’s not like he really cares about the party. Or the fact that he’s going to see Even for the first time in several years.

They are at the “Welcome Home Even!” party, which Isak’s friends just had to throw. Isak has caught sight of Even here and there, but he’s always been out of reach. And it’s equally infuriating and reassuring for Isak that he doesn’t have to deal with him. At least not yet.

Isak takes another sip of his drink, and is surprised to find it almost empty. He really needs to slow down or he’s going to end up drunk at this rate. He’s standing with the gang, for once all gathered in one place - and it’s hard to imagine anybody else but Even being able to do that. He tries to keep up with the conversation around the table, he really does, but he can’t help throwing glances at Even who is standing and talking to a group of his old friends from Bakka, positively lightening up the room.

He still looks like himself. Isak can still see the Even he knew in the way he holds himself and the expanse of his neck. But in other ways he looks completely different. Like they all do. His hair is down, his shoulders are broader and his gait is stronger. He has obviously filled out as he grew older, but he still has that gangly quality to him that Isak found so endearing at one point.

It’s been 10 years since Even left Oslo. And by default Isak. But even though Isak had wished he could leave Even behind as well, like he should, like he promised himself that he would, Isak had been unable to not keep tabs on him a bit. Just to keep his curiosity at bay. He hears from the others sometimes about how they still talk to him and how he’s doing. He sees his pictures in others’ instagrams and snapchats sometimes. So Isak knows that Even had been doing relatively well in LA. Much better than what they expected when he left for film school. So Isak was surprised when he heard from the others that Even was coming back to Oslo. For good it seems. He doesn’t really know what to do with the fact that he had to hear this from the others and not from Even himself.

He shakes his head a bit to get back into the conversation and out of his head. But before he can completely focus, Even enters their group and everyone erupts in happy cheers. Everybody had been really excited about him coming home. Even eats it up, but tries to act cool about it. It’s only the slight blush on his cheekbones that gives his happiness away. But Isak can spot that blush from a mile away, it’s always been one of Even’s tells.

Isak is quiet. Uneasy in a way he hasn’t been in many years. He tries to smile and act unaffected, but can feel his own cheeks heat up every time Even glances in his direction. For once, Isak’s mind is at a blank, he can’t think of a single thing he could possible say to Even. Even though he has spent an unhealthy amount of time during the last ten years picturing exactly this, what he would say to Even after all these years. For some reason he’s always cooler in his mind, always the one who has something bitingly suave to say, to show Even how unaffected he has been by his absence and subsequent return. Isak is nothing like mind!Isak right now.  

Isak _hates_ himself like this. He looks down into his glass, hoping he can collect himself. He doesn’t want to come across like the stumbling, shy, sweaty, nervous mess he is right now. He’s not like this at all anymore. He’s an adult who takes pride in how collected he normally is. Nothing throws him. Well. Normally. But Even’s always been the exception to the rule it seems.

Isak has to have a break from feeling like this, so far removed from himself. He excuses himself by pointing to the empty glass and leaves for the bar to get another. He knows he shouldn’t drink anymore, but right now the buzz of the alcohol seems to be the only thing keeping him afloat. So he orders another drink at the bar.

While he’s standing there waiting for the bartender to serve him, Isak feels somebody bump into his shoulder. He looks up, surprised, and finds Even standing very close, grinning at him. Isak looks away immediately. He’s already regretted coming here so many times, but no more than he does right this second. What the hell was he even thinking? His defence against this man is so low, always has been.

“Hi,” Even says. His smile is hesitant, like he’s just as uneasy about talking to Isak again as Isak is.

“Halla,” Isak says back, he catches Even’s eyes for a hot second before he looks down the bar to see where the bartender went.

“It’s really good to see you again, Isak,” Even says and his voice sounds so goddamn perfect to Isak.

Isak has to close his eyes for a moment, before he finally turns towards Even.

“I don’t even know why I’m here,” Isak blurts out. And he now hates himself. Why would he say such a thing? He can feel his cheeks heat up, but Even only laughs in surprise and Isak can’t help but look.

“Well. I am really glad you are here.”

Even moves a bit closer to Isak, just a little bit, in that way he does where he slowly gets so close to Isak, and Isak can’t for the life of him remember noticing him moving.

A silence stretches between them. Isak is frantically trying to think of something to say, while desperately looking for the bartender to return with his drink. He finally says “How is it being back?” at the same as Even says “What are you up to these days?”

They smile at each other and make gestures at each other to go on. But even though Isak is smiling at Even, it’s still awkward between them, and Isak doesn’t have it in him to give an elaborate speech about how his life is right now. So he keeps quiet and waits for Even to continue.

After a couple of more seconds where Even’s smile is slowly melting away, he finally does.

“It was time.” He looks at Isak. Really looks at him, and Isak is fighting his initial reaction to lean up and just kiss him again. Even’s quiet for a long time before he continues, “Don’t you think, Isak?”

And Isak is so surprised by this that he can’t help but look at Even. He’s suddenly so angry. At how casually Even just says shit like this, like Isak isn’t still carrying this big, festering wound inside him that still, after all these years, affects how he lives his life.

He’s taking a deep breath, gearing up to give Even a piece of his mind, when the bartender finally(!) shows up with his drink. Isak takes it, and just when he’s about to pay, Even slides a bankcard over the counter and Isak suddenly just wants to throw the drink in Even’s stupid, beautiful face.

Isak gives him a look. _The_ look. He shakes his head and knows that Even can see how affected he is by him.

“Isak…” Even says and grabs his arm to stop him from leaving. “Please just let me…”

But Isak can’t stand to hear what Even has to say. He rips his arm out of Even’s grip.

“Don’t!” Isak snaps, hands clenched tight in anger.

He has to get out of there, he cannot be next to Even any longer. He doesn’t want to hear his excuses or his explanations. He doesn’t want to stop being angry and bitter. He’s not ready to _forgive_ just yet. He keeps his gaze locked with Even’s a few seconds longer, just to be sure that he is able to see his resolve. And then he finally turns around and leaves Even there. He resolutely goes back to their table, back to the rest of the group, and in a span of seconds he has put down his untouched drink and is putting on his jacket.

“Are you leaving already?” asks Jonas incredulously.

“Yeah, I’ll see you guys later,” he just replies and then he leaves. He doesn’t look back, even though he can feel Even’s stare on his back. He just needs to get out of there.

\--||--

As he unlocks the door to his flat he immediately notices the extra pair of shoes in the hallway. He steels himself, takes a deep breath and then closes the door behind him.

“Are you home already, babe?” he hears from the living room. He can hear the sounds from the television in the background.

“Yeah,” Isak says, almost too low for anybody but himself to hear it. Isak takes a couple of seconds longer than he needs to to take off his jacket and shoes. He finally enters the living room, but stays standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame.

“Did you not have fun?” And Isak looks at Tom, his boyfriend, sees how he looks at him, smiling affectionately, while he continues. “Or did you just miss me that much?”

And Isak tries to smile back. He really does. He can feel his face contort into something resembling a smile, but he’s not really sure what grimace his face is doing. But Tom is already looking back at the television, totally oblivious to Isak’s struggle.

Isak has never regretted giving Tom a key to his flat more in his life. He just wants to bury himself in his bed, pull the duvet over his head and pretend this night never happened, that he didn’t have to deal with Even ever again. But instead he sits down on the couch next to Tom, and accepts it when Tom takes his hand to hold it in his lap.

\--||--

“Is there a reason you didn’t want me to come tonight?” Tom says, looking annoyed.

Isak sighs. They’ve had this discussion a thousand times now. Ever since Even’s party, Isak knows that he’s been more withdrawn than usual. He knows that Tom has picked up on it, he’s even asked Isak about it a few times. But Isak has denied everything. He really doesn’t want to mention Even, to bring him into the relationship so to say. He doesn’t want Even to come between them anymore than he already is.

So Isak puts his arms around Tom, kisses him sweetly on both cheeks and then his lips.

He looks at him. “Tom, you have nothing to worry about. It’s just the group from Nissen I’m meeting up with.”

Isak can see his efforts working, can see that Tom grows less tense and even smiles at him. He knows that it’s only a matter of time before Tom catches on, realizes who Even really is, but for now Isak is relieved that Tom doesn’t know to ask the hard questions.

He leaves Tom behind, and his mind is otherwise occupied within seconds of hitting the street.

\--||--

Isak is _fucked_.

He is trying so hard, but he can feel his anger slowly slipping away. He can’t help it. He’s never been immune to Even’s charm. And Even is really turning it on tonight. He’s the centre of the dinner party, has everybody’s undivided attention, making everybody laugh with stories of what has happened to him over the last years in The States. Everybody is eating it up. Including Isak, who really wishes he wasn’t. Who has to remind himself over and over again of Tom. When all he really wants is to kiss Even.

He’s drunk on the wine, the company, the mood. He’s the closest to happy he has been in a long, long time. And for once Isak embraces it. He lets himself forget a bit. Lets himself slip out of the conversation to lean back in his chair and just look at Even.

He’s still so fucking handsome. Still exactly what gets Isak going; tall, lively, big full lips, and those eyes. It’s easy to see that Even has a hard time keeping his eyes off Isak as well. He obviously notices Isak looking. He looks back, but not too obviously, just keeps tabs on Isak, and even raises his eyebrows at Isak as if to say _I notice you looking_. Isak bites his lip to keep himself from smiling.

Isak is thrust back into reality when his phone starts ringing. His comfortable happy bubble bursts as soon as he sees Tom’s name on the screen. Almost like he has a sixth sense. Without looking at Even Isak gets up to take the call in the kitchen.

Isak’s replies are clipped. He can hear that Tom is fishing for an invite, to be able to come over and see for himself that nothing dodgy is going on. But Isak really doesn’t want him there. So he pretends not to notice what Tom is saying between the lines. He ends the call with a blunt, “I’ll be home soon…”

He hangs up and takes a second to look out the window in the kitchen. The view is shit, but Isak is not really looking. He’s stuck in his head, feels like he’s just had a bucket of cold water thrown over him. What the hell is he even doing indulging Even, indulging himself? He has a life now, a boyfriend. He’s reasonably happy. Happy enough. He should just go, go home to his boyfriend who’s probably waiting for him at his flat. Isak tries to give himself a pep-talk, even though he knows that Tom’s not the person he wants to be with right now.

With a sigh he pockets his phone and turns around to get back into the living room. He’s startled as he notices Even in the doorway, hands in his pocket, looking at him. Isak can feel his eyes roaming over his face and he suddenly feels vulnerable and exposed.

“What?” he can’t help but challenge.

Even shrugs.

“Nothing. I didn’t know you had a boyfriend.”

And he’s nonchalant about it, like he doesn’t really care, which Isak knows is bullshit.

Instead of calling Even out, Isak says “His name is Tom. We’ve been together for almost a year. He’s…” Isak doesn’t know how to continue the sentence. He coughs to cover it up.

Even just nods. “Are you in love with him, Isak?”

Isak just looks at Even. He doesn’t know how to answer it. It’s a fair question, Isak knows that Even is really asking if Isak could be available. But Isak can’t decide if he is. The truth is that he’s not really in love with Tom, never has been. Has never really been in love with any of his boyfriends, except Even. He has been a serial monogamist, but never staying in a relationship for too long. Never allowed it to become completely serious. And the reason for that is standing in the kitchen waiting for Isak to reply.

Even takes the silence as some kind of sign, because he slowly inches his way towards him. Isak almost feels like a deer caught in the headlights, he desperately wants to say something to Even to throw him off, but he also wants to make Even come closer at the same time.  

“I…” Isak starts when Even is close enough for him to touch. His voice breaks and he hates that Even still has this effect on him. He coughs to clear his voice and then tries again. “I gave him a key to my flat.”

But Even just smiles at this. Like he knows. Like he knows that that is somehow Isak’s way of dealing with his boyfriends when they start to want more from him than he’s willing to give. He’s always been a coward like that. Instead of just telling them that he can’t, he can’t give his heart away so freely like that again, he lets them stay in the illusion that he could be something to them by giving them a key to his flat. He hates that about himself. But not enough to change it.

Even nods, like he’s suddenly understanding something about Isak. And then he moves even closer, just a little bit, just enough for Isak to really notice just how close Even is right now. And then Even says, “But are you in love with him, Isak?”

Isak’s mind is a mess. His mind is running at full speed trying to come up with an answer, but it all translates to white noise. Nothing comes to mind. Nothing at all. It’s very rare for Isak to draw a complete blank like that.

When Isak still doesn’t answer his question, Even moves even closer. He obviously takes Isak’s quietness as an answer, when instead it’s a question. Isak sees it happening from far away, but he is still surprised by how confident Even seems that they are on the same page when he leans into Isak to kiss him. Isak immediately pulls back.

“What the _fuck_ are you doing?” Isak says with incredulity. He even takes a couple of steps back to get some distance between them.

Even just stands frozen in place, looking at Isak like he honestly doesn’t know why they aren’t kissing right now. Which just makes Isak even angrier.

“How the goddamn _fuck_ do you think it’d be alright to kiss me?” Isak feels the waves of anger rolling up in him, he’s suddenly submerged in it, wanting to lash out, to hurt Even like Even has hurt him.

Even puts up his hands in a universal _calm down_ -gesture, which has the complete opposite effect on Isak.

“You were just asking about my boyfriend??” Isak spits out, can’t understand why Even can’t see how messed up this entire thing is.

Even takes down his hands and instead turns around to close the door to the kitchen to give them some kind of privacy. He turns to Isak. Looks at him for longer than Isak would want him to, just long enough for Isak to almost start yelling at him again. And then Even says, “I don’t care about your boyfriend, Isak.”

And he doesn’t look like it pains him to say that, or that he’s sorry about it in any way. He just says it matter-of-factly, like that should explain everything.

Isak wants to yell _what the fuck_ at him again, instead he says, with more venom than he knew he possessed, “Well, you don’t care about me either, Even.”

Even’s eyebrows go up at that. “How can you say that Isak?”

And Isak laughs a humourless laugh. “You made that abundantly clear to me, Even. Over and over again.”

“I never meant to hurt you, Isak.”

Without any pause Isak replies, “Well, you did.” He looks him in the eyes, and continues, “You _fucked_ me up, Even.” And he’s so frustrated that he wants to push Even, wants to make him hurt.

Even shakes his head, and Isak can’t stand how he doesn’t seem to know. “You fucked me up to the point where I haven’t been in love since you. I just can’t. Instead it’s me fucking all these nice people up, promising them things I know I can’t keep. I don’t talk about you to anybody, I hardly talk about myself to any of them.” Isak stops to breathe for a second.

Even takes the pause to add, “I hate that it’s been like that for you, Isak. But I’m not going to lie, I like that there’s no one else who’s taken over your heart.”

“You like that? You like that I’m fucked up and closed up? Nobody else in my heart or my body?” Isak spits out, and gets a clear reaction from Even. Even looks up at him, curiosity written all over him.

Isak scoffs, “You like to know that I haven't had another man's dick in my ass since you? Is that what you like to hear?”

And Isak’s anger is ebbing away to the point where he's about to cry. What is it about Even that pushes him to the brink every goddamn time. He never intended to give so much away.

“Actually, yes. I do like that,” Even says in a low voice.

Isak can't help but look at him with wide eyes, surprised by the honesty. He takes a staggering step back, suddenly overwhelmed with the need to get out of there.

Even takes a mirroring step forward and puts out his arms as if to soothe Isak.

“Even though I shouldn't. Even though I really shouldn't care after all this time. But I can't help it, Isak. I can't help but care.”

And Isak can feel himself slipping. Can feel himself give into the comfort Even would provide. But he cannot be hurt like that again. If Even were to break his heart again, surely nothing would be left.

So he gives into his first impulse and leaves the kitchen. He makes some flimsy excuses to the others.

Even stays in the kitchen until Isak has left.


	2. You used to live a blonded life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always this is betaed by the beautiful Mornmeril.
> 
> 4 days to the next chapter, peeps! :D
> 
> Enjoy!

A few weeks pass. Slowly creeping by. Isak is thrown into turmoil. He can’t find pleasure in his work or with Tom. He’s stuck in his head, surprised by how much truth had been in his words to Even. How fucked these last ten years have been. It hits him like a sucker punch, how much he hasn’t really been living his life. He’s put it on hold, somehow not really trying to get over Even. And now that Even’s back he’s so totally confused whether Even really is what he wants anymore. Ten years is a long, long time. They have both changed. Isak is a very different man now compared to the boy he’d been when Even had left him.

If nothing else, it’s painfully clear to Isak that something’s got to give. He has to change something. He needs to either let Even go completely, forget about him, get over the heartbreak and move on with his life. Get a boyfriend who he could actually fall in love with. Or he needs to give Even a chance. A chance to show that maybe he really has changed. Maybe he’s just as stuck on Isak as Isak is stuck on Even.

\--||--

Isak is still contemplating this dilemma when it seems the question is decided for him. In a break at work, while waiting for his coffee from the slowest coffee-maker in the world™, Isak is scrolling through his Facebook-feed. And he scrolls right down to a picture which Eva has made a comment on. _Looking good_ is the comment. But Isak’s world has stopped. Because the picture is of Even and one of Eva’s friends, standing next to each other with their arms around each other in a way that screams intimacy. And the caption of the picture is, “Just me and the bf <3”

Isak shuts down his phone. Puts it in his pocket. Stands there looking at nothing for a few seconds. Then he takes it out again, opens it and is faced with the picture again. He spends the next minutes studying it. He feels so jealous of how happy Even looks, he’s smiling that smile where his eyes almost disappear and they look so good together. They look _effortless_.

Isak forgets his coffee as he goes back to his office. He sits down heavily at his desk and looks at the computer trying to make sense of what the screen is showing.

His mind is whirling. The only thought that keeps popping up is _so this is how it ends_.

\--||--

The next time he sees Even is at a dinner he and Tom are throwing 3 weeks later. Isak is trying with Tom now. Is still undecided if Tom is _the_ boyfriend that he’s going to try for real with, but he’s putting in more effort than he has been until now. Tom is clearly enjoying it, but is also somewhat suspicious of Isak’s motives and the timing. He knows something is up. He just hasn’t figured out just what (or who) yet.

Tom has invited a few of his friends and Isak has invited the gang, even told them to bring their plus ones, fully expecting Even to bring his boyfriend. He has been psyching himself up to meet him, to be courteous to him. He can hardly hide his surprise when the guests start pouring in and Even shows up alone. But Tom is the one to greet him by the door while Isak is busy with finishing up dinner in the kitchen, so he can’t really ask Even about it.

It’s obvious that Tom adores Even. Even is being his charming self, and Tom’s pleased laugh can be heard through the entire flat. Jonas gives Isak a look at this and Isak quickly looks away, suddenly feeling so guilty for not just telling Tom about Even.

The dinner is a success. The food is great, the wine is flowing and Even is acting so natural that Isak almost forgets that it’s supposed to be awkward for him to be here. He even lets Tom take his hand and he tries his hardest to not look at Even’s reaction to this. Their friends get along effortlessly, like they always were part of a group together.

They talk about the old times, about how they were as teenagers like it was a lifetime ago. Before Isak knows it, they are heading into dangerous territory, but he’s powerless to stop it.

Tom’s best friend is giving an elaborate story about how he and Tom at one time came _that_ close to being busted at a concert hall for sneaking in, and Jonas follows it up with telling the story about when Isak and him escaped the police on a bike after Eva’s party.

Isak is laughing along, but his smile freezes as Even clears his voice and says, “That’s nothing. Isak and I almost got caught once when we broke into a house to take a swim in their indoor swimming pool.” And he looks so pleased with himself, like this is obviously a good story to tell.

Isak is panicking, he can’t let Even tell the story, not when Tom’s here, and he doesn’t know. This is not the way for him to find out.

So Isak interrupts Even and says, “Yeah, enough stories about me being a teenage delinquent. Dessert anyone?”

And he is kind of proud of himself at how smooth that went. But he notices the surprise on Even’s face and he absolutely notices that Tom has caught on to the fact that Isak interrupted because of him. Isak ignores them both and gets up and starts to clear the plates as the others are cheerfully guessing what kind of dessert they will be served.

Tom helps him clear the table and as they stand alone in the kitchen Tom puts his hand on Isak’s arm.

“Is there something I should know about, Isak?” He looks so serious, so Isak just swallows and shakes his head. He pushes on. “It really feels like there’s something going on I should know about.”  

But Isak just shakes his head again.

He knows that he should tell Tom. But this is not the time or the place to do it. He kisses him gently instead, takes his hands in his and says while looking him straight in his eyes. “Nothing is going on, baby.”

The sceptic “Hmm” Tom lets out tells Isak that he’s let off the hook for now, but he knows that there will be questions later.

The rest of the night thankfully goes by without a hitch, but Isak’s nerves are shot. He’s grateful when everybody leaves for the night. Luckily they both are too tired to talk, so they head to bed instead. But Isak can’t help but notice how Tom is keeping to his side of the bed, instead of snuggling up to Isak like he normally does. Isak notices but does nothing about it. He turns on his side to sleep and feels like the shittiest boyfriend there ever was.

\--||--

Two days pass. He hasn’t really seen Tom since Saturday, since the morning after the dinner party, but Isak’s happy for the reprieve. He spends the weekend working out, reading up on some work and playing some FIFA. He tries not to let his thoughts get to him, actively avoids thinking about anything related to his love-life.

Therefore he’s really surprised when late Sunday afternoon his phone dings with the sound of an incoming text from an unknown number.

_Can we meet? This is Even._

Isak stares at it for a while with his heart in his throat. His pulse is suddenly through the roof and his hands are clammy. He thinks about what to answer, _whether_ to answer for a few long seconds, before he takes a deep breath and answers.

 _When? Where?_   

It only takes Even a couple of seconds to answer back.

_Meet me at Kaffebrenneriet down the street from your place in 15 minutes?_

Without thinking Isak sends a thumbs-up to Even and immediately regrets it. He looks down at himself in a panic, he’s in sweatpants and a loose, sloppy T-shirt with stains on it. He hasn’t showered in a couple of days. He’s basically a mess.

The next 12 minutes pass by in a flurry of the world’s hastiest shower, trying to find something in the closet that seems casual but mature enough for this type of conversation, brushing his teeth and trying to make his hair seem presentable. Some days he hates that he’s outgrown putting on a snapback, as that would have solved his problem in two seconds.

By the time he hits the street he’s out of breath and high on adrenaline. But everything slows down when he spots Even through the window at Kaffebrenneriet. He’s so goddamn handsome, sitting there being perfect. He looks nervous though. And somehow that makes Isak feel better, makes the butterflies in his stomach calm down a bit.

He takes a deep breath and enters the shop. When Even’s eyes lands on him he lights up completely, like Isak has made his day by just showing up. Isak goes to him and takes off his jacket.

“I bought you an Americano,” Even says, “I don’t know if that’s still your favourite?”

And this is one of his tells, when he’s nervous he rambles a bit, and Isak found it endearing then. Now it’s just comforting. It’s good to know that some things never change.

“It’s fine,” Isak says and sits down opposite Even.

They sit there and stare at each other and the silence stretches between them. It’s just on the verge of being uncomfortable when Isak decides that Even’s obviously not going to start so he breaks the ice by saying, “So how are your finding it being back in Oslo?”

It’s nowhere near what he really wants to ask Even, he wants to know _why_ , _why now_. But this is a good start.

Even smiles and nods. “It’s fine.” And then he leaves it at that.

“Okay. So did you get that job at the ad firm you were looking at?” Isak continues.

“Yes. I got hired last month.”

And Isak can feel he’s starting to get annoyed. The contrast between how hurried the last 15 minutes before he arrived have been and how slow things are going now is making Isak impatient. He’s almost squirming in his seat by now, trying to come up with more insignificant questions. He takes a sip of coffee, just the right temperature by now and decides to just jump into it instead.

“Why did you ask me here?” he asks.

He tries to make it sound firm, but he’s not really sure he’s succeeded.

Even takes a sip of his coffee as well. He sets the cup down at the table but keeps fiddling with it, eyes downcast. Isak finds the silence grating, he wants to move on, he wants to get out of here. He wants to hear what Even has to say.

“I just wanted to talk to you, Isak. I wanted to tell you I’m sorry for leaving you like that.” And at that he finally looks up at Isak. “I know I should’ve told you this a long time ago. But I’m really sorry that leaving you like that made it hard for you to get any closure.”

He looks sincere. He sounds sincere. But Isak’s not really buying it. He squints at Even. Trying to figure out how much he really means it.

“Do you remember what I told you the last time we spoke?” Even says and Isak nods. “I didn’t tell you to wait for me.”

Isak lets his eyes roam over Even’s face, taking him in, cataloguing the changes the years have induced.

And says quietly, “You might as well have.”

Even nods. “I know. I wasn’t being fair at all.” He’s fiddling with his cup again. Like he has something important to say. He takes a deep breath and then continues, “But I’m really happy that you did.” Small pause, where his eyes catch Isak’s. “That you did wait for me.”

And Isak _hates_ that. He can feel his cheeks heat up, and he hates how Even can make him feel like he’s 18 again. “I didn’t necessarily wait for you, Even. I just didn’t move on.”

And he knows he sounds ridiculous but he has to make sure Even knows the distinction.

Even just nods at that, like he gets what Isak is telling him.

After that they move into safer territory. But their talk is stilted; it never reaches a point where it flows naturally, like it used to. Without meaning to, Isak can’t help but longingly think back to the time when they could spend hours talking and laughing. It was so natural and easy for them then.

Isak reaches for his coffee and finds that the cup is empty. He sets it back on the table and decides to use that as an excuse.

“I better get going,” he says and starts to get out of the chair.

“Tom seems nice,” Even interrupts him, making him sit down in his chair again.

“He is,” is all Isak says.

Even looks like he wants to talk some more about Tom, but Isak can’t handle that, so instead he says, “Were you going to tell me that you have a new boyfriend?”

Even looks at him surprised. And Isak realises that he never planned on telling him.

“It’s very new, still,” is all Even says.

“I saw that picture on Facebook of you together. He really is quite handsome,” Isak says and wants to bite his tongue. Why couldn't he just have kept quiet for once?

Even looks at him in that intense way that he does. The way that Isak used to think was just for him.

And then he whispers, “It's really you on my mind.”

And Isak wants to die. Simple as that. He wishes he could get angry at Even for this admission, but he can’t. It feels too good to hear. Instead Isak can't help but smile a bit and glance out if the corners of his eyes at Even. He's so goddamn breathtakingly beautiful that Isak just wants. And he can't believe how difficult it is to not just take it when it's clearly just there for the picking.

But he doesn't let himself. He still can't let Even in again. Instead he slowly gets up, still looking at Even.

“I’m going to go now,” Isak finds himself saying, even though he wants to stay with every fibre of his being.

Even looks so disappointed. He carefully takes Isak’s hand and says, “I told you then to keep making room for me. I’m selfish enough that I’ll still hold you to that, Isak. When we're ready, I hope you’ll still have a place for me.”

And Isak can't help but say “So until we're ready, you're just going to take up space between me and my lovers?”

He can't help but shake his head, this is so unhealthy for the both of them.

But Even nods. “Yes. But hopefully I'll just take up a bit of space and not the entire room. I want you Isak. But I want you to be happy even more than that.”

Isak pulls his hand back, fighting the urge to shake it at how it tingles with Even’s touch. Without adding anything further, he leaves.

What can he possibly say to that?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo... What did you guys think? Are you still mad at Even, or is he starting so soften a bit in your opinion of him? :D


	3. I made you use your self control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm posting this a bit early as I won't have time to do it later. But I hope everybody's fine with that... ;)
> 
> As always betaed by the always perfect Mornmeril, who I have made go through hell reading this. Sorry, bb! <3 <3 
> 
> Okay, I hope you enjoy! :)

Even’s number is burning in his phone. He’s had his finger hovered over the call-button so many times he’s lost count. He’s not being fair to anybody at this point. Although the attraction is still there for sure, he’s still unsure whether he can risk letting Even back in. He can tell that Even has changed. But he’s still not sure whether he has changed in the right ways. If he’s more trustworthy now. So Isak doesn’t call.

But he’s pulling back from Tom, knows that he should break up with him, and Tom is pushing back, is getting annoyed with Isak’s lack of commitment.

It all comes to a head almost two weeks after Even and Isak met up for coffee.

Isak gets home from work really late, completely exhausted from running last-minute tests on a new peptide. When he opens the front door he hears the television is on in the living room, and his exhaustion reaches new heights. He just cannot be bothered with Tom today. He briefly considers whether he can politely throw him out, but knows that he really can’t. Especially with how things are at the moment.

He slowly takes off his jacket and his shoes, deliberately drawing out the time before he has to go to join him. He finally takes a deep breath and takes the last few steps to the living room. The greeting he has on his tongue dies immediately when he sees Tom sitting up in a chair, looking directly at him, like he’s only been waiting for him to come home. And he looks _murderous._ Isak swallows nervously.

“I want to ask you the same question again that I asked you the night of the dinner party, Isak. I want you to think hard and long about the answer this time.” He pauses and then continues, punching out each word. “Is there something I should know about, Isak?”

Isak instinctively shakes his head. But Tom puts up his finger to stop Isak from continuing, and then says hard, “ _Think_ about your answer this time, Isak!”

And just like that Isak knows that Tom knows. Somehow he found out who Even is.

He exhales, kind of glad that it’s finally out of the bag and says, “Who told you?”

And that’s apparently the complete wrong thing to say as Tom gets out of the chair and takes a few menacing steps towards Isak.

He spits out, “Nobody fucking told me _anything_!! You know I had to act like the most insecure boyfriend in the world, and fucking stalk your Instagram! And lo and behold, what can you find there if you are patient enough??? Fucking photos of you and Even kissing, being fucking boyfriends!”

Isak remembers not being able to delete two of the pictures of them on his Instagram. He just had to keep it, just to make himself be sure that Even had been real. That they had been happy. He hadn’t realized that they would somehow come back to bite him in the ass years later.

“You’re not even denying it? Have you been seeing him behind my back?” Tom asks still so very angry, but tears are starting to run down his cheeks now.

“No, of course not!” Isak says indignantly. “I would never cheat on you, Tom!”

“It’s still fucking cheating when you’re in love with someone else!” Tom shouts.

And Isak can’t help but take a step back, completely overwhelmed by Tom’s feelings. He tries to deny it but Tom is obviously not having any of it.

“Don’t you try to deny it, you so obviously still have feelings for him! And I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just tell me, why not just tell me that he was an ex?”

What is Isak supposed to say to that?

“He’s…I…” he tries. Has to swallow down his nerves and try again, “I’m sorry Tom. Believe me when I say that I don’t want to have feelings left for him.”

But that just seems to upset Tom more.

”Is he the one? Is he the one who made you like this?” and he has snot and tears running down his face and Isak feels like the worst person to ever have lived. “And you let me sit there and be fucking charmed by him!”

Isak can’t help but close his eyes, overwhelmed by Tom’s righteous anger and his own shame at this. He doesn’t have any explanation for Tom. There’s nothing he can say that will make Tom feel any better about this. So he just looks at him, takes him in, lets himself drown in the shame and the knowledge that he should have been better.

“I’m so sorry.” And he really, really means it.

Things don’t really progress from here. Tom keeps demanding answers from him that Isak can’t or won’t give him so they end up going over and over the same things. Isak is falling apart from exhaustion, anger, shame and _relief_ , he’s so messed up he doesn’t even know how to feel. And Tom...Tom is so hurt and angry he won’t let up. And Isak gets that, he really does. He just doesn’t know if he has any more in him to give to Tom at this point.  

“Tom…” Isak says and tries to cut through to end it. He tries to think of a way to let him know that they are done.

But as Tom looks at him he seems to realise where Isak is going and he puts his arms up.

“No, Isak. No!” he says, even though this would never be enough to stop Isak.

“I’m sorry, Tom. But I don’t think we should do this anymore.”

And Tom looks like he’s just been slapped. He takes a step forward towards Isak, and as he does the tears start rolling down his cheeks again. Isak feels like such an imposter for not having any tears for Tom. But the truth is that Tom never mattered enough to him.

“So that’s it? After all we’ve been through you would just end it because of a small fight?”

And the thing is that Tom looks genuinely baffled, and Isak can’t believe how big of a coward he’s been by stringing Tom along, when Tom was clearly so much more invested in this relationship that he’s ever been.

Tom notices Isak hesitating and must think it is for the wrong reasons, because he takes another step towards Isak.

“I love you, Isak,” he says, voice filled with hope.  “We can work through this, even if I’m angry right now, this is absolutely not enough for us to throw away everything we have. I mean, we basically live together. Baby,” And he steps real close to Isak and takes his hands, lowers his head a bit so he’s eye to eye with Isak. “I know you love me. You know it’s meant to be us.”

“I don’t, though,” Isak says quietly.

He takes a deep breath, then another, trying to sort out the mess in his head, all the guilt and the confusion. He steels himself “I don’t know that, Tom.”

And Tom looks like he’s can’t comprehend what Isak is saying. “What do you mean?”

“I…”

Isak closes his eyes and wishes there was another way. But he’s done being a coward. Tom deserves better. Isak deserves better.

“You’ve been an amazing boyfriend, Tom. But I don’t love you. It was never like that for me. I’m so sorry that I let you believe that,” Isak says.

Tom takes a step back and puts his arms around himself as if to protect himself against Isak’s words. He looks at Isak, lets his eyes roam over his face, and he must see Isak’s resolve, must sense the truth in his words, because it’s obvious how his posture changes and his anger grows as he realises that Isak really is done.

“You fucking asshole!” he shouts, and looks like he has so much more to say, but in the end he just storms out.

Isak takes a deep breath, almost shaking with adrenaline. He can hear Tom in the bedroom, packing his things, muttering to himself angrily. Isak stays in the kitchen, he’s not really sure what the protocol for this kind of thing is, but he knows that when Tom gets angry like this, you don’t really want to get in his way.

When Tom leaves the bedroom with a bag haphazardly packed with his clothes he passive-aggressively puts down the key on the dresser in the hallway and looks at Isak like he’s about to say something. Seconds pass with them just looking at each other. Isak’s bracing himself for whatever Tom has to say, but then Tom’s face distorts into something ugly and he sobs once, before fleeing the apartment.

Isak stands there for a while looking after him, frozen on the spot. He can’t believe that it’s over, after all this time. He’s sad for Tom. But if he’s really honest with himself, he feels relieved that he’s gone. Isak picks up his phone and scrolls through his contacts. He stops at Even’s name, finger hovering over it for a few long seconds, before he resolutely shuts down the phone and puts it away.

Now is not the time for this, he decides.

Isak takes a shower, fixes himself something to eat. He sits down heavily on the couch and turns on the TV. He looks at it for a few moments before his mind starts to drift.

He picks up his phone again, hesitates when it opens to Even’s number, but then ends up calling Jonas instead. He needs to start telling people that he’s single again, and Jonas is always the safest start.

\--||--

It’s Thursday night his life changes again. Isak is at home making dinner. He’s chopping up some bell peppers when a knock on his front door interrupts him. He brings along the tea towel to wipe his hands with as he goes to open the door.  

He’s surprised to find Even on the other side. He looks nervous, fidgeting with his sleeve, but he also looks determined. Before Isak has a chance to ask him what he’s doing there, Even says, “I heard about you and Tom breaking up.”

Isak is too surprised to speak, ends up just nodding and Even continues, “I broke up with Oliver as well.”

And he doesn’t say anything more. Doesn’t have to say that he did it for Isak. He’s just standing there, waiting for Isak to make the decision whether to let him in or to shut the door in his face. Looks at him in that intense way that he does, like he doesn’t really care about the rest of the world. Just Isak.

Isak hesitates for a minute. Knows what it means if he lets Even in. But as he looks at Even, allows himself to really look, he can’t deny the longing in his chest. Or how right it somehow feels for Even to be there with him. Silently, Isak steps aside and lets him in.

\--||--

Later, much later, after they’ve cooked and ate dinner together, after finishing a bottle of wine and starting another one, after hours of thankfully easy conversation, Isak finally exhales. Slowly, as the evening has progressed, his shoulders have lost some of the tension that’s been living in them for a long, long time.

Even makes it feel easy. This night so far has been smooth, and Isak lets himself feel it. Lets himself remember how it used to be, so effortless. Even makes Isak laugh in a way he hasn’t for a long, long time. And in the extended comfortable pauses between them speaking, Isak lets Even look. And lets himself look back at Even.

It’s hard for Isak to remember a time when he didn’t love Even. He knows without a shadow of a doubt that he won’t ever stop.

\--||--

Even swirls the remains of the wine around in his glass, uses the movement to steel himself, before he looks at Isak. Isak who’s never stopped looking at Even, knows that this is the point where the evening turns serious.

“Are you ready for me now, Isak?” he says and pauses for effect. “Or do you need some time to get over Tom?”

And it’s obvious to Isak that Even knows the answer to that question, he already knows that Isak didn’t really love Tom. But he’s giving Isak an out, and Isak is so grateful for it. But this evening has gone a long way in helping him decide whether or not to give Even another chance. The easiness and the comfort that Even provides, Isak would be stupid not to pursue it when it’s finally dangling right there in front of him.

Isak takes a few seconds to let himself think about it. He owes himself, and Even, that much. But Isak’s hesitation obviously makes Even nervous and he tries to cover it up by taking a sip of his wine.

Isak leans back in his chair. He’s not really sure if it’s the wine or a result of the evening, but he likes the fact that he can make Even nervous like that. He tilts his head up a bit and looks at Even through his eyelashes. He remembers vividly what that look used to do to Even. And still does apparently, as he sees Even’s pupils dilate at the sight.

Isak can’t help but smirk, draws it out for a couple of seconds longer than he should, and then he says, “Tom, who?”

And the answering huff of surprised laughter from Even makes butterflies erupt in Isak’s stomach.

\--||--

At some point the easy banter dies out. They are sitting next to each other on the couch, both dreading the talk that they know has to come. The quiet stretches between them, slowly turning uncomfortable.

Isak is looking down at his hands, arguing in his head whether he should be the first to start. He’s so lost in his thoughts that he startles as Even’s voice breaks the silence.

“I never meant to wait 10 years, Isak,” he says, almost in a whisper, like speaking louder would somehow lessen the statement. He doesn’t look at Isak, stares at his glass of wine instead.

But he pushes on. “I guess I’ve always been so sure that we were going to end up together that I forgot that I actually had to actively make sure it would happen.”

Isak feels all the old wounds reopen, all the old insecurities of whether he was ever good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. _Enough_ enough.

“I know I’ve said this to you before, but I really want us to happen now, Isak. I don’t want to wait any longer.” And he pauses to look at Isak, before he continues. “I want you back in my life so bad.”

Isak still keeps quiet, he has so many questions that he can’t figure out where to start, so many voices in his head screaming at him that he’s feeling overwhelmed.

“You asked me why I came back. It was because of you Isak. I came back to be with you.” Even says.

Isak’s mouth feels so dry he has to swallow, his skin feels like it’s too small for his body and he’s _this_ close to hyperventilating. He can feel the prickle of tears behind his eyelids

When he finally speaks his voice is hoarse with fighting back tears.

“You hurt me so bad, Even,” he says and for once doesn’t take any comfort in seeing the statement hit Even like a physical slap. “Leaving like that, making that decision for me, _without_ me.” He pauses to take a deep breath, to find the courage to continue. “I’m so afraid of you doing that to me again.”

Even looks like he wants to speak over Isak, to tell him how sorry he is maybe, but Isak doesn’t want to hear that, he wants Even to understand.

“Even, I want you to listen to me.” He makes sure to catch Even’s eyes, implores him with his eyes to see how important this is. “I can’t handle you doing that to me again. The way you just stopped talking to me, giving me no explanations, just silence. You _broke_ me. I can’t go through that again. Ever.”

And Isak fights so hard not to let his tears spill over, but he’s not really surprised when he feels one run down his cheek anyway.

Even looks like it physically pains him to see Isak crying. But Isak doesn’t wipe the tear away, somehow can’t help but think that Even deserves to see him cry, to see the pain he’s caused.

Isak remembers too well how it felt all those years ago. How even though he had encouraged Even to go, to follow his dreams, determined not to hold him back when all he wanted was to leave with Even, it had still hurt so badly to see it happen. A year apart had seemed like a small eternity at that point, but Isak knew that Even had to leave. Isak had been so worried though. What if something happened that would pull them apart? What if Even had an episode and Isak wasn’t there to see him through it? What if Even met someone better, someone more suited for him than Isak could ever be?

And it seems that he was right to have all those fears. Isak still doesn’t know what exactly happened, he just knows that after a couple of months of painful absence, Even stopped taking his calls. Isak _knew_ that something had happened, feared Even was having another episode, but there was nothing he could do about it. He didn’t have the money for a plane ticket. He tried to get in contact with Even so many times, tried calling, tried emailing, tried texting, but he was met with a wall of silence. After a couple of weeks he got that email from Even. The one that finished him off. The one that said that Even was sure that they were meant to be, just not right now. Without any further explanation.

Isak knew it was a lie, Isak _knew_ , but how could he let Even know that he was making a mistake when he didn’t want to listen? So he waited and waited for Even to change his mind. Every day that passed hurt a little more, every minute without some kind of sign of life from Even was excruciatingly hard. Isak had never known that time passing could hurt so much.   

Isak is pulled back to the present by Even’s voice.

“I missed you so much, Isak. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done leaving you behind.”

He moves a bit closer to Isak, close enough that their knees are touching.

He continues, “I wanted to take you with me so badly. I was this close to asking you so many times, but you had just started Uni and it felt so selfish to take you away from your life here.”

Everything in Isak stops. He doesn’t move a muscle, just focuses completely on Even. Like a single movement would stop Even from giving him an explanation that he’s been waiting for so, so long.

“You don’t understand how it was for me there. In some ways it was like coming home, the school and the people made me feel like I belonged there in a way I’ve never experienced before. But I was never completely present, there was this big part of me missing. And I could feel your worry, and I could hear you hurting every time we spoke, and that _killed_ me. Made me want to quit and just come home to you.”

Even licks his lips nervously and looks away from Isak again.

“I started drinking a bit again, smoked some weed, even though I knew I shouldn’t. Got a bit careless with my medication. So I ended up having a really bad episode. I was so depressed and I just wanted you, but I was feeling so guilty that you were feeling bad. I didn’t want to make you feel worse. I wanted you to be happy. So I somehow convinced myself that you would be better off without me.”

He moves his body on the couch so he’s facing Isak completely. His eyes are intense, like he’s trying to convey with them alone the importance of what he’s saying.

“I’ve regretted it so many times. There hasn’t been a day where I haven’t thought about you, Isak.”

And at that Even leans over the couch, so he’s much closer to Isak. So close that Isak can smell the still familiar scent of him.

Isak looks at him, his thoughts whirling in his mind, not helped by the glasses of wine he’s consumed.

“I… I need to think about this, Even,” he finally says after being quiet for too long.

Even looks disappointed but nods. He pulls back a bit, empties his glass in one gulp and gets up. He smiles at Isak then, it doesn’t look quite real, but it’s getting there.      

“I better get going, Isak. It’s getting late.” Even says and takes his glass with him into the kitchen.

Isak get up and follows him to the hallway where he watches him put on his jacket and shoes. Even gets up, stands up at his full height, a few centimetres taller than Isak and they look at each other for a long time. Even lets his eyes roam over Isak’s face, like he’s trying to memorise it, like it might be the last time he can let himself look like that.

When he finally leaves it’s with a whispered goodbye that resonates with Isak for a long, long time.

\--||--

Isak tries to go to sleep after. He lays in his bed, looking at the ceiling, going through the entire evening in his head over and over. He’s so torn. He’s afraid to get his heart broken, but he’s still so attracted to Even. He’s never felt like that with anyone else. He’s somewhat afraid that he’s going to lose his mind if he continues contemplating this, he knows he has to make a decision.

He knows the choice comes down to if he’s ready to let Even go. Will he able to look himself in the eyes if he doesn’t give it a shot?

And when he puts it like that the answer is not all that hard. He shoots up in bed, immediately going for the phone on his nightstand, and then he writes Even.

_I need to know a few things first, Even. Before I can give you my answer._

And it’s not until he’s sent it that he realises that it’s three in the morning and that Even’s surely sleeping. He feels cheated that he’s probably going to have to wait until tomorrow to get the answers he need and it’s making him even more restless.

However, it only takes Even a few seconds to answer.

_Anything, Isak._

_Are you back in Oslo for good now?_

Isak starts with an easy one. Even replies immediately.

_Yes._

Isak bites his lip and takes deep breath for courage.

_How can I trust that you won’t do anything like that again? That you won’t_

_have another episode and push me away again?_

This time it takes Even a bit longer to answer. And Isak is almost shaking with nerves as he gets his answer.

_I can absolutely promise you that that won’t happen again. I’ve_

_tried to live without you, and I don’t want to do that anymore._

 

Isak smiles a bit at that, can feel how badly he wants to believe Even. He knows that he’s on the precipice, that this is the moment where he makes the decision that changes his life. He sits with his phone in his hand for a few minutes, lets the screen go black. And then he turns it on again, and types out:

_Okay._

Even’s answer is immediate.

_Okay??_

_Yes._

And Isak can’t help but smile at how fast Even is replying. He feels elated and so happy that he’s almost laughing.

_I know it’s going to be hard to trust me again, Isak, and I’m_

_going to do everything in my power to make you believe in me, in us, again!_

_I’m so happy, Isak. You’ve already made me so happy!! <3_

And Isak only has to think about it for a few long seconds before he replies back with a heart of his own.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I can't wait to hear your reactions to this! So, are you guys still mad at Even now? ;) ;)


	4. Some nights you dance with tears in your eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, betaed by Mornmeril, who saves my life from time to time. Thanks bb! <3
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy, and remember kids, the next chapter is only 4 days away... :) :)

Isak is powerless in the wake of Even’s conviction that he has to be wooed. He doesn’t stand a chance against Even, secretly enjoys how enthusiastic Even is about figuring out what to do on their dates. Isak isn’t really used to being the one who lets things happen to him. In his last relationships he’d definitely been the one to call the shots. But he’s happy to relinquish control to Even, happy to just sit back for once. Isak is doing his best to give Even a chance to prove he’s changed, like he promised he would.

\--||--

“So have you actually seen any of the work I did while I was in the States?” Even says excitedly and Isak already feels left behind.

“Not really,” he says and tries hard not to cringe.

Truth is, that while the rest of the gang had watched most of Even’s short films and commercials together as if he were still a part of the group, Isak had purposely been left out and had been fine with it. He hadn’t wanted to be reminded of Even constantly. Isak had won the battle against temptation to look him up on YouTube, he just knew he wouldn’t be able to handle how genius the films probably are, how much that would make him want to talk to Even again.

Somehow it’s almost therapeutic that this is what they’re doing for their first date. Like Isak is forced to confront some of the things he hasn’t allowed himself in these last 10 years.

And that’s how their first date ends up being at Even’s apartment, still full of boxes and not enough furniture. Still with the faint smell of paint from walls that are too empty to feel lived in just yet. But at least there’s a big comfortable couch in the living room, and a large TV with surround sound.

“Okay, I think you need to see this first,” Even says and looks up something on his tablet. And when he presses play, Isak sits back on the sofa and reaches for the popcorn.

\--||--

Isak’s mind is _blown_. He’s not really sure what he’s just seen. He stopped eating popcorn about 2 minutes into the movie, too absorbed with what was going on on-screen. Although he thinks that he’d paid great attention to all the details, even though he was attentive every step of the way, he’s still not sure what that even _was._

He doesn’t know exactly what to say, so instead he just turns his head slowly towards Even, his mouth still hanging open in surprise, and as his eyes land on Even he sees him sitting there with the biggest grin, just observing Isak.

“Have you been watching me this entire time?” Isak says, but that just makes Even’s smile bigger.

Isak doesn’t wait for Even to answer, already knows the answer to his question. Instead he continues. “What the fuck was that, Even? What did you just make me watch?!”

And at that Even starts laughing.

“I knew you’d like it!” he says between hiccupping laughs.

“Like it?? I thought it was a pretentious shit-movie!!” But the sting of Isak’s words is lost in his own laughter and he can’t help remembering a time when he’d told Even something similar.

It’s always been difficult for Isak not to join in with Even’s laugh. To Isak, that might be the most contagious sound in the entire world.

Even looks so beautiful like this, laughing and beaming, _happy_ , so much like the Even that Isak used to know. Isak lets himself bask in it for a few seconds, that he made Even laugh like that. In this moment he can feel it in every bone in his body just how right it feels to give Even another chance.

Isak can’t even remember the last time he laughed so freely. It’s hard not to let himself get used to that again, but Isak is still afraid that it might be taken from him without warning.

\--||--

Their third date finds them at a fancy restaurant, where it’s apparently really hard to get a table. Isak isn’t really used to these sorts of places, finds it stifling that he has to wear a shirt and tie, as if he’s still at work.  But he tries to look impressed, tries to make a show of enjoying himself for Even, who’s clearly trying to impress him.

But despite his best efforts, this might be the biggest disconnect they’ve experienced so far. Isak isn’t impressed with money. He makes enough of his own, has everything he wants and needs. Doesn’t really like pretentious food or when there’s more forks by his plate than all the ones in his apartment combined.

Even is looking at the menu, is telling Isak funny little anecdotes about the food here, how the chef came up with the flavour combinations, or how he dreamed up a dish. Isak is listening, but he’s also had a very long day and the restaurant is hot and his tie is tight around his neck. He pulls a bit at it, feels so out of place here, surrounded by beautiful, well-dressed people. And Even just looks so at home.

Isak takes a nervous drink from a glass of water, and makes a _hmm_ -sound to show Even that he’s listening. As he sets down the glass he finally realises that Even is looking at him and not the menu anymore.

“You don’t like it here,” Even says, and it’s not a question.

Isak shrugs and takes too long to figure out what to say. It’s not that he _minds_ being here, he’s sure that he can endure a meal here, especially as it seems that Even’s really into it.

But before Isak’s mind can think of something, Even says: “This is the biggest problem about us not talking for 10 years. It’s been really hard for me to think of something to do, because sometimes it feels like I don’t know you anymore.”

And he says it so matter-of-factly that Isak just has to swallow to buy himself time and get his feelings under control. He wants to say _you don’t_ , but he doesn’t want to be a dick.

So instead he says, “You do know me.”

But Even’s smiles is half-hearted, despite the tender look on his face, and he sighs.

“Not as an adult. I know the old Isak, the Isak you were 10 years ago. I still have this image of you being much smaller and less… mature.”

Isak can’t help but smile at that. He’s definitely changed. But he likes to think it’s mainly for the better.

“Nobody wants to be an angsty teenager for the rest of their life,” he says and smiles comfortingly back at Even.

“I guess not,” Even says and fiddles with the stem of his wine glass nervously.

Silence stretches between them, becomes uncomfortable and awkward, and Isak would do anything for that to end. They used to be so good with silence.

Finally, Isak leans back in his chair with a resigned sigh.

“Okay. Ask me anything.”

Even’s eyebrows go up and he looks at him with the beginning of a smile on his lips.

“Anything..?” he challenges.

Isak nods. “Anything.”

At first it’s all easy questions – What did you end up getting a degree in? _Master in Biology, PhD in Protein Chemistry_ – What is it you do? _Work as a scientist in a pharmaceutical company_ – How long have you had your apartment? _Almost 3 years, I bought it when I got my first job_.

And Isak doesn’t even notice how time is passing, doesn’t even really notice the waiters bringing their food. He’s comfortable in the moment again, enjoys being with Even.

But then the questions get harder – How are your parents? – _Mom is better, well-medicated, and goes to therapy regularly, Dad is… Well… I don’t think it will ever really be good with him_ – Are you still angry with me for waiting 10 years?

And Isak has to take a drink of his wine at this question, to buy himself time and to alleviate the sudden dryness in his mouth.

“Even…” he says, and he doesn’t know if it’s to draw out the time for him to think or more of a warning for Even.

He’s trying to decide how honest to be, looks at Even, can’t help but ask himself why Even would ask him that question when the evening had been going so well so far. Isak sees Even looking extremely nervous and he suddenly understands why.

He leans back in the chair, all tense, and says in a low, but serious voice, “You promised you wouldn’t do this again.”

Even looks at him with wide-eyed surprise and shakes his head at Isak, like he doesn’t know what Isak is talking about. But then he deflates, his entire body just slumping down in his chair, and he says, “I know, I’m sorry.”

He sighs and it’s so clear to see how hard this is for him. To be called out like that.

“It’s just difficult for me. But I’m working on it, I promise.”

And he sounds so genuine that Isak slowly relaxes in the chair again.

“I know. But I don’t want you to try to sabotage this, Even.” He scans Even’s face, tries to look for any remnants of the boy he knew. “I said I would try, to see if you had changed.” He puts his hand over Even’s on the table. “I want to see where this leads us.”

And Even looks at him for a long time. Looks into his eyes and at Isak’s hand on his, and slowly the doubt lifts from his face and he starts beaming at Isak. They sit there smiling at each other and Isak lets himself feel happy for once. Does his absolute best to fight off his concerns and doubts, tries to just be in the moment and to enjoy this.

And Isak finds comfort in the way he recognises the light in Even’s eyes. They’ve always been as bright as the sun, and Isak feels that familiar flutter in his stomach, can feel the excitement of starting over again in his chest.

He suddenly wishes he were closer to Even, can almost sense the phantom touch of him on his skin. He lowers his eyes to Even’s lips, sees him lick them nervously. And Isak swears he can almost _taste_ them against his.

The moment is broken as the waiter asks whether they would like dessert. And Isak notices how close they’d actually been to each other. And he _wants_.

\--||--

Later, when they’ve finished eating and after they’re done discussing who should pay the bill, they find themselves walking through the streets of Oslo together, side by side.

The banter is easy, but there’s this tension between them that wasn’t there before. Every time their hands brush Isak’s skin tingles, every times their shoulders graze as they pass other people on the sidewalk Isak can feel his heart beat faster, and every time he turns his head to look at Even, he can’t help but smile.

It’s not until they’re standing in the street outside Isak’s apartment building that they turn quiet.

This time it’s Even who breaks the tension. “Can I ask you another question?”

He has this smile on his face, where his lips are barely curved but his eyes are filled with mirth. Isak can’t possibly say no to him looking like that. So he nods, knows that this question won’t be a hard one.

Even’s smile stretches and he takes a step closer to Isak. He puts his hands in his pockets and bounces on his feet a bit. Isak feels his gaze like a physical touch. Can feel his body heat up with the promise of what’s in Even’s eyes.

“Why haven’t you kissed me yet?” is the question that Even asks.

Isak can feel an answering smile stretch across his face and he immediately leans forward, sways towards Even without giving it conscious thought. He stops when he’s just about to kiss Even, close enough that if he were to purse his lips they would be touching. He lets his eyes roam, locks them with Even’s, sees how his pupils are dilated. How much he clearly wants this. And then Isak leans forward and kisses him.

The kiss is like a shock to his system. It’s like coming home and exhilaratingly new at the same time. Isak flushes from head to toe, every cell in his body tingles and he gives himself over to the sensation immediately and completely. Isak can’t help but push into Even, giving into the urge to get closer, always closer.    

Even makes this sound into Isak’s mouth and it goes straight to Isak’s dick, which is already chubbing up in his pants. Isak wishes he could be chill about this, wishes he was cool enough to be able to not be so affected. But this is _Even_. And just being this close to him again, to be able to breathe him in, to feel his hair under his hands, his body against his, makes Isak ready to go.

The sounds that pour out of Even make it impossible for Isak to pull back from him. He feels dazed, like he’s looking at himself from the outside, looking at himself making a bad decision, but he’s powerless against it.

He can’t help the whine that escapes him, which in turn seems to mean something to Even. He slowly gives Isak one last peck on the lips before he leans back a bit. He keeps his hands on Isak and just stands there looking at him, smiling.

And Isak is so conflicted, wants to lean back in, wants to _devour_ Even, but at the same time, he still wants to wait a bit. He wants to ease into it this time, instead of jumping in like he did the first time around. He wants to make it last.

He’s debating whether to ask Even to come up, just to cuddle, even though his tented pants give his real intentions away. Even is still pushed up against him, must surely be able to feel what is going on in Isak’s pants, but he doesn’t let anything on. He must be pretending not to notice for Isak’s sake, and he pulls back a bit, enough for him not to be pressed against it.

Isak fights the urge to pull Even back in and instead takes a step back, further away from Even. He already feels cold and bereft, but he knows that this is for the best.

“Thank you for this evening,” Isak says instead, not wanting the silence stretching between them to turn awkward again. “Honestly, I didn’t expect to enjoy myself at a restaurant like that.”

And Even laughs fondly at him.

“It shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that I’m a pretentious fucker,” he says and Isak can’t hold back the surprised laugh that forces out of him.

He wishes he could keep this Even forever, the one who keeps making him laugh without trying, the one who makes him feel at home in the most unusual of places. But Even is so much more. Even is _everything_ , and Isak still has to make sure that he’s capable of living with that, that he’ll be able to handle all that Even is. Isak knows that when he finally gives in, it’s going to be for good this time.  

\--||--

The next day Isak is so restless he cannot even believe it. He tries to concentrate, he really does, but his mind just constantly wanders. He’s lying on his couch, the TV on and the remnants of his breakfast on the coffee table, but Isak’s basically just staring into space.

He can’t stop himself from smiling. From getting flutters in his stomach every time he remembers the feeling of Even’s hands on his waist. How Even’s lips felt against his. He’s a little bit confused about how much of it is remnants of how he used to feel about Even, but he can’t deny that he’s completely charmed. And just on the verge of falling back in love with Even if he’s not careful.

He always knew that Even was going to be something special to him. Not only was he his first love, but he also helped Isak through so much, made him realise he was gay, made him reach out to his mum. Made him _better_ in so many ways, just by being with him.

Isak knows how closed off he’s been since Even stopped wanting him. And he’s still dazed over the fact that Even apparently never really stopped wanting him. He realises that he’s slowly starting to believe that now. That Even was telling the truth, that he was just doing what he thought would be best for them, for him. No matter how misguided that had been.

Isak picks up his phone, wanting to text Even if he’s busy, when he hears a knock on his door. He goes to answer, wondering if maybe Jonas had mentioned coming by, trying to remember, but his mind goes instantly blank when it’s Even standing on the other side.

“I thought you might like some company for breakfast?” he says and holds up a bag from the local bakery.

Isak doesn’t stop the smile that fills his entire face. He doesn’t even care that he’s basically just in sweats and an old t-shirt with holes under the arms. He suddenly realises just how much he needs this.

“Come in,” he says and surprises himself by pulling Even into a hug. As his nostrils fill with Even’s scent, he knows how right this is and he can’t help himself when he turns his head enough to whisper into Even’s ear. “I’ve missed you.”

Isak notices the sigh that leaves Even at this, how his shoulders and back lose tension underneath his arms.

“Fuck, me too! I just couldn’t stay away,” Even says and tightens his grip on Isak.

When Isak finally pulls back from the hug, he can’t help but pause at Even’s mouth, just a small rub of lips against each other, a kiss so familiar, and so them, it makes his heart hurt.

To think he’s been without this for 10 whole years. Isak could weep at the thought of how much they’ve missed out on, and looking into Even’s eyes, filled with guilt and longing, it’s clear he’s feeling the same.

Isak doesn’t want this, can’t stand for them to feel sad when he was so elated just a few seconds ago. So he snatches the bag out from Even’s hand, turns around and starts walking to the kitchen. As he walks away from Even he casually says over his shoulder, “If you didn’t buy me cinnamon buns then I’m throwing you out!”

The remnants of Even’s laugh still cling to the walls as he starts up his coffee machine and looks into the cupboard for mugs and plates.

Soon, Even joins him and they set the table together. As they sit down opposite each other by the little table Isak has in his kitchen, Isak’s face is almost aching from smiling so much. He has to fight the urge to rub at his chest, wanting to rub the phantom pain there away, a lingering reminder of what could have been. He wants to move forward, wants to stop being sad about what-ifs and how much they’ve missed.

He makes a conscious decision to push all those thoughts away, to try and exist in the now, and just enjoy what he has in this minute. Even is _here_ , sitting in his kitchen, looking so goddamn good that Isak wants to eat him up. He looks so right here, like that chair has always belonged to him, like it would take no effort at all for him to just fit back into Isak’s life, like a puzzle piece that’s been missing but now is found, completing the image at last.

It’s so comfortable with him here that Isak just forgets himself.

After breakfast they agree to watch a movie together and as they load it up and Even leans back on the couch next to Isak, Isak just leans into Even’s side and sort of cuddles up against him.

He can feel Even freeze underneath him, which in turn makes him freeze and realise what he’s done. He immediately starts to pull back, not wanting to make Even uncomfortable, but Isak’s barely moved a centimetre away from Even before Even’s arm is around his shoulders, pulling him back in. Isak sighs and let’s himself be manhandled into the position in which they used to watch TV together; him against Even’s side, under his arm, his own arms around Even.

They sit like that for 5 minutes before Isak can feel his arm starting to hurt and his shoulder feeling like it’s going to fall off. He can feel a kink developing in his neck from the uncomfortable angle it’s bent in and he tries hard to keep his body still, wanting to stay close to Even.

Finally, Even pulls his arm out from where it’s caught between Isak and the sofa and says, “Was this really comfortable for us 10 years ago?” and he sounds so amused that Isak can’t help but fall a little bit further for him.

All his nerves bleed out of him and he laughs along with Even and it’s just so _easy_.

It takes them a couple of minutes to find a new position that accommodates the added expanses of their shoulders and arms, but it’s fun and Isak can’t remember the last time his belly hurt like that from laughing.

As they finally settle into a cuddle position that works for them, Isak can’t help the sigh that escapes him as he lets himself melt into Even’s body.   

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO! Finally, the kiss!! Let me know what you thought, have you been waiting just as long for this as me? :)


	5. You’re spitting game, know you got it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO! Second to last chapter! Surprising no one who knows my writing, this is where this fic earns its rating, so please pay attention to the tags if you have some hard nopes. :) :)
> 
> As always this is betaed by Mornmeril, thanks bb! <3 <3
> 
> I hope you’ll enjoy this, and I’ll see you on the other side. :D

Isak is ready to give Even a key to his apartment. He’s _agonizing_ over it, he’s afraid that Even will get the wrong idea, as he knows why Isak used to do it before. He really doesn’t want Even to think that he’s tired of him, or that Even’s pushing his limits too far. The thing is that Even’s really not. He’s being so patient with Isak, and Isak is so ready for more. Objectively, he knows that he should be the one to move things forward, and giving someone a key to his apartment would normally be a way to do that. He really regrets being such a coward before. And he curses himself for telling Even about it so there’s now a chance that he won’t understand the meaning of what it means _now_.

Isak wants to give him a key because his apartment feels empty when Even’s not there. He wants to come home to him, to Even cooking in his kitchen, to Even watching TV on his couch, to Even sleeping in his bed.

These last couple of weeks have been amazing. They’ve spent almost every free minute together and Isak can’t remember the last time he felt so happy. He’s finally able to be himself, to not hold back. Even knows him, knows most of the things that Isak hates telling others about, and he doesn’t care. He still wants Isak, has made it clear that he’s in for the long haul this time. That he will never leave him again. And the thing is, _the thing is_ , Isak is starting to believe him.

Also, Isak might die if Even doesn’t get his hands on him soon.

It’s almost like Even’s teasing him, like he’s purposely trying to draw a reaction out of Isak, to force Isak to move their relationship forward. And Isak _wants_ to, all the cuddling they’re doing is driving him insane. Being this close to Even all the time, being able to touch and to be touched is the most gratifying thing that’s ever happened to Isak, but it’s also the most aggravating. Even keeps pulling back from Isak’s advances. It’s clear to Isak that he wants him, the way he looks at Isak doesn’t really leave room for interpretation.

Isak knows he has to make the jump, has to put himself out there, to trust himself, and Even, enough to finally move ahead.

\--||--

It’s Saturday and they’re chilling on Isak’s couch. The movie they’ve been watching has just finished. They’re lying almost on top of each other, cuddling, and Isak is acutely aware of Even’s hand softly stroking his back through the thin t-shirt he’s wearing. They’ve been lying like this for the last hours, and Isak is starting to feel restless. He’s not a teenager anymore, his body just can’t lie still for this long.

Instead he takes a deep breath, peels himself off of Even and, to Even’s surprise, gets up.

“Come on,” he says. “We’re going for a walk.”

Before Even is off the couch to follow him, Isak is already in his bedroom, looking through his closet trying to find a hoodie to wear. He distractedly pulls out a red one from the depths of his closet, which he throws at Even just as he enters the room. Even just manages to catch it and Isak doesn’t even try to hide his smirk at seeing Even fumble with the piece of clothing in surprise. Isak digs further into the closet, swears he has more hoodies hidden in there although he seldom uses them anymore.

Finally, he pulls one out and can’t help the triumphant “Ha!” that leaves him.

He turns to Even and the look on Even’s face makes his smile turn from a playfully happy one to a secret intimate one.

“I remember that hoodie,” Even says, and takes a step towards Isak.

Isak looks down at it. It’s his black Rascals-hoodie, the one he used to wear quite a lot when they were together. It’s completely unintentional, but he’s kind of happy that that’s the one he managed to find. He hasn’t worn it in years, doesn’t even know if it fits him anymore, but the look on Even’s face makes it worthwhile.

Isak fights his way into it, it definitely isn’t as big as it used to be.

“It doesn’t really fit you anymore,” Even says in a low voice, looking like he’s fighting to conceal just how affected he is by how Isak’s arms and shoulders are stretching the fabric.

“Well, I guess there’s some perks with hitting the gym regularly.”

Even’s pupils are blown wide and Isak can’t help but blush like he’s 17 again. Dammit!

He lets Even look though, lets him see that he’s changed, that he’s not the Isak he used to know. And the more Even looks and can’t seem to tear his eyes off of him, the more Isak preens. He’s feeling more and more confident as the seconds tick by and he can feel his body start to respond to the way Even’s eyes are raking over him.

Even takes a step closer to Isak, close enough for him to reach out so he can hook his fingers in the front pocket of the hoodie. Isak lets himself be pulled towards Even. And this is new. Even though they’ve kissed many times now, there’s a different kind of intent in Even’s eyes.

Even pulls him close, up against his body, their lips hovering just a few centimetres from each other. Isak can feel Even’s breath on his face and his mouth is open, every cell in his body tense, waiting for this moment, for what’s about to happen. The tension between them is unbearable, but Even isn’t moving, like he’s waiting for something. And Isak is so drunk on their closeness that he’s really late at realising that Even is waiting for him. So Isak leans forward, fast, so sure of how right this is and moans the second his lips meet Even’s.

The kiss turns dirty almost right away. Isak pushes against Even, pushes against him with his entire body, using his strength to get him to back up. They reach the wall, and Isak is done controlling himself.

All their kisses so far have been so contained, always careful of each other. But this, this is teeth, heat and tongue, it’s lips everywhere. It’s so sloppy and wet, but it’s also one of the most perfect kisses that Isak has ever had, and he feels his entire body responding. He heats up, and every point of contact between them makes his skin tingle, and he just wants to touch.

He puts his hands under Even’s shirt, pushes ineffectively at his clothes, and the sounds that Even emits make him want so bad he can’t even think straight. He doesn’t pause to think about it, just goes by instinct, by what feels right, and he has Even’s dick freed within seconds.

Isak has to pause the kiss to look at Even’s dick in his hand. And it’s every bit as glorious as he remembers it being. It’s so perfectly fitted to Even, and responsive in the best of ways as it jumps in his hand.

Isak’s mouth floods with saliva and he wants to see if it still tastes like it used to, wants to see if he can recognise it on his tastebuds, but it’s too much, he’s already so close just by being with Even like this again, so instead he opts to push down his sweats to pull his own dick out, and he pushes his hips against Even’s, making their erections grind against each other. They both moan at the contact and Even’s head falls back against the wall, like he’s losing his strength through Isak touching his dick.

Isak wraps his hand around the both of them, loving how Even’s dick feels sliding against his own like that, and he has to lean up to kiss Even again, has to get his lips on him as he’s this close to feeling overwhelmed and Even’s lips are the only thing that can ground him in this moment. Even kisses back, pulls Isak closer by his ass, and Isak has to grit his teeth when Even starts to knead it with his large hands.

Even is chanting his name between kisses and Isak can’t speak, he doesn’t know words anymore, he bites his lip and can’t think of anything but _fuck_ so he’s basically chanting that back into Even’s mouth. Even seems to enjoy it as he starts smiling against Isak, and that’s it for Isak. He barely has enough conscience left to push Even’s shirt up and away, before he clenches everywhere, tightens his grip on their dicks in his hand and in one long last stroke he shakes out his release, paints Even’s stomach with ropes of white, and Isak is still coming as Even starts shooting as well.

Their cum on Even’s stomach paints such a pretty picture. Isak is panting, still shaking, still weak from his orgasm, but he can’t tear his eyes away from the sight of the mess they’ve made. Even slowly leans into Isak, kisses him gently, reverently, and Isak has to close his eyes at the tenderness that Even’s showing him. Isak’s hand is still around them, and he involuntarily clenches his fist at the feel of Even’s tongue slowly dancing in his mouth. Even makes a distressed sound at that, high in his throat, wraps his fingers around Isak’s wrist to gently coax his hand away from their now slowly softening dicks.  

Isak leans back to break the kiss and he can’t help the laugh that bubbles out of him. He fucking loves this. Loves having Even like this again. He has to kiss him one more time, _has to_ , but then he peels himself off of Even. He can’t let go of him completely, though, hooks his finger into Even’s belt loops and pulls him with him. Even goes willingly, fighting a losing battle with his shirt to keep it away from the mess on his stomach.

“Let’s get you cleaned up, baby,” Isak says and stops in front of the bathroom to kiss Even just one more time. “Then we’re going for the walk.”

\--||--

When they get outside, Even looks up at the sky above them and says to Isak. “Did you check the weather?”

Isak shakes his head, looks up at the sky as well and notices the dark clouds, but doesn’t really deem them to be that bad. He shakes his head, looks at Even and shrugs with a smile.

“Let’s go, lazyhead,” he says fondly, takes Even’s hand and drags him with him.

\--||--

Half an hour later they’re rushing up the stairs to Isak’s apartment completely soaked to the point where they’re dripping on the stairs. They’re laughing the entire way, completely overcome by how sudden the rain had just started pouring down. Isak hurries to open the door and they spill in, all long limbs and dripping clothes. Isak doesn’t waste any time before he gets two towels out of the bathroom, and they stand opposite each other in the hallway and try to wipe the water off, smiles still on their lips and the remnants of their laughter still shaking through them occasionally.

Isak is drying his hair when he realises that they’re actually never going to be able to get completely dry this way and he nods his head towards the bedroom and says, “Come on, let’s get into some dry clothes.”

Even comes willingly, starts shrugging out of the hoodie almost immediately and it lands on the floor with a wet thump. Isak starts in on his own, is lost to the outside world for a few seconds, trying to get the tight, wet, offending garment off of him, and when he finally emerges from it, he’s struck by the sight that greets him.

Even is standing there in a white t-shirt, completely see-through from how wet he still is. And Isak sees something that completely grabs his attention.

“What’s that?” Isak says, nodding at the glimpse of blue under Even’s shirt. Even takes it off and reveals a tattoo of a water droplet on his chest just over his heart. He looks nervous showing it, and Isak is confused.

“When did you get a tattoo?” and he just can’t understand it, it’s just so different from the Even he knew, who would never do that, would never be able to decide on something he would want to keep on his body for the rest of his life, no matter what.

“You’re going to think this is really cheesy,” Even says and smiles shyly.

Isak is powerless to do anything but smile back, he looks so adorable like that, it’s a side of Even he rarely shows.

“It’s a water droplet,” Even says like that’s some kind of explanation.

“I can see that,“ Isak says, and makes a motion with his hand that hopefully conveys that he’s still confused.

Even looks at him, like he should get it, and then he sighs.

“It’s the water droplet that got stuck in your throat in the pool when we kissed the first time, like the title of our movie.”

Isak’s mind is blown. “What?” He just doesn’t get it. He says _what_ , but means _why_.

“Isak…” Even says and tilts his head in that way he always does when Isak does something he finds particularly cute.

Even takes a few steps towards him, takes his hands in his and leans down so they are eye to eye.

”I could never forget you. I could never let myself forget how bad I fucked up. Sometimes when my life was spiralling out of control it would help me, because I knew that I had to find my way back to you somehow. Make myself worthy of you again, Isak.”

And he releases one of Isak’s hands to gently stroke through his hair until his hand rests on his neck and Isak can’t help but lean into the touch, even though his mind is still struggling to process.

He feels raw, inside out. Even’s told him over and over again how he didn’t forget about Isak, how Isak’s been a constant in his mind all these years. But this is the first time that Isak has actually _realised_ that it’s true. That he isn’t the only one who felt that connection all those years ago, the only one who’d been clinging to it like a lifeline even after all these years.

Isak is frozen to the spot, completely wide-eyed and blinking, can’t comprehend it. Can feel his body physically react to this knowledge, can feel it spreading through his cells and make his heart flutter and his stomach furl. Feels it right down to his toes which are starting to tingle like they’re about to fall asleep.

He knows his mouth is open, knows his cheeks are flushing, can even feel his dick stir in his sweat pants, but he’s lost to it. Lets himself experience his body coming alive like that as if he’s not really a part of it, like his skin is too small for it. And all through this he’s looking into Even’s eyes, is drowning in them, is trying to wrap his mind around how earnest and completely sincere Even is being. How his eyes shine at him with nothing but love and adoration. And Isak can’t for the life of him understand his reservations anymore. It just doesn’t make sense, how could he ever doubt Even when he looks at him like _that_?

He doesn’t have to think about it this time, there’s no conscious decision behind it, he just moves on instinct, lets his body take over and do what it wants to do. He leans in, catches Even’s lips and immediately deepens the kiss. Pushes his tongue into his mouth, tastes him, dominates him. Uses his own body to push him, steady and surely, towards his bedroom. Keeps pushing at him until his knees hit the bed and then he keeps pushing until Even falls down on it, taking him down with him.

He lands on top of Even roughly, uncoordinated, and it should be funny, they should be laughing together, but they’re not. Isak can’t laugh right now, not when he’s filled to the brink with how _bad_ he needs to touch Even, how fucking much he wants him.

Isak starts pulling at their clothes, can’t stand to have anything between them, and he’s so, so grateful when Even starts to help. Between them, they get rid of their clothes in record time, and the feeling of Even’s bare skin sliding against him for the first time in years is so _good_ that Isak can’t help but shiver.

He’s overwhelmed and he really wishes he wasn’t. He wants to show Even how much he’s learned, how much better he can be for him now, but his mind is stuck on _skin, touch, feel, kiss_ , and it’s like he’s never even touched anyone before, let alone Even. He’s so strung out, almost high on all that skin stretched out before him, for him to just touch.

His lips reluctantly leave Even’s and he starts kissing his neck instead, but he can’t stay still, his lips keep moving, keep finding new places to kiss. He gets to Even’s chest where he kisses Even’s nipple which coaxes the most delicious sound out of him, and he can’t stop there, he kisses down his stomach, tighter now than he ever remembers it being and down, down. He nuzzles his cheek into Even’s happy trail and sees his dick jump at that.

It’s right there, just a few centimetres from him, so close he can smell it, and it’s the most divine scent in the entire world. Isak’s mouth floods immediately and without asking for permission, he just dives straight in. He wraps his lips around Even’s dick, takes it in as far as it will go while it’s still dry and moans around it. His eyes are closed and he’s revelling in the taste of Even, which he realises happily that he still remembers. It makes memories of doing exactly this well up in him, overwhelm him yet again, makes him suck harder, want it even more.

The precum covering Even’s dick explodes over Isak’s taste buds and floods his mouth with even more saliva, so much of it that it runs over, down the shaft, wettening it, making it easier for Isak to push down more, take it further down his throat. He feels frantic, can’t get enough of it, of its taste, of the sounds that are pouring out of Even, of how Even’s hands can’t seem to find purchase on him but keep moving between his shoulders, his cheeks, his hair.

Even is chanting his name, interspersed with _fucks_ and Isak can’t stand it anymore. He releases Even’s glorious dick with an obscene _pop_ and leans up to kiss him again. It’s so sloppy, his chin and mouth wet with saliva and precum, but Even sounds so into it, moans around his tongue and the vibration of it go straight to Isak’s dick.

He leaves Even’s mouth reluctantly, but has to ask, “Can I fuck you?” and as soon as the words have left his mouth he realises just how much he needs to. That he might _die_ if he doesn’t get to bury his dick inside Even anytime soon.

Even nods frantically, pants, “Fuck, yes!” into Isak’s mouth, and immediately spreads his legs for him. Isak settles there like he never left and kisses Even two, three times, before he can control himself enough to lean over to the bedside table for condoms and lube.

He wastes no time, pours lube over his fingers on autopilot, pushes his weight over to one side to get his hand on Even.

The first finger goes in easily, but Isak can already tell it’s going to be a tight fit. He leans down to kiss Even, trying to make him relax, hoping that he’s not really too overwhelmed to do this, that that’s not the reason for his tightness.

He wants to hurry up, wants to only do the bare necessities enabling him to be buried inside Even, but Even seems tense, seems like he needs more than just the basic motions, so Isak slows down his kisses and rotates the finger in him slowly, lets him feel it, how good it can be. And that seems to be working as Even stops kissing back, his mouth open and he looks overtaken with the feeling of Isak inside of him.

Isak lets his lips travel from Even’s lax mouth over his flushed cheek to his ear and whispers, “You’re doing so good for me. Open up for me, baby, let me make you feel good.”

And Isak can feel an immediate reaction from Even, can feel his body flush and his heart rate go up, can feel him opening up further for Isak to the point where he can insert a second finger, and for the first time tonight, Isak feels in control again. He remembers how sensitive Even’s ears are, and it’s so good to be able to experience how he can use some of the hard learned lessons from his time with Even to his advantage again.

Even’s grip on his biceps turns harder, but he’s panting underneath him, writhing on his fingers, and he looks so fucking good that Isak wants to commit everything about this to memory.

He kisses him again, but Even seems so lost to the pleasure already that he’s not really kissing back, and Isak can’t help but be completely infatuated with it. With how reactive Even is. And he adds another finger like that, studying Even’s face intensely, noticing how the addition makes his eyelids flutter, like he’s fighting them closing. His eyes are dazed, pupils completely dilated and Isak can’t remember him ever being more beautiful than he is right now.

Even lifts his leg, makes more room for Isak, and wraps it around his hips, pushing Isak towards him.

“Come on, Isak!” he whines through clenched teeth and Isak can feel his desperation like a layer of sweat on his skin.

It’s contagious and in seconds Isak’s level of desperation has reached the same point as earlier. He pulls out his fingers and scrambles to put on the condom, which is being difficult due to how slippery his fingers are, but he manages, rolls it on with a sigh and pours more lube over his dick for good measure.

Even’s eyes are on him, drinking up the image of him rubbing lube onto his dick eagerly, and his hungry gaze makes Isak even more frenzied. He grabs onto Even’s legs, pushes his thighs up with his arms and almost folds Even in half. He can’t help but look down, and the sight of Even exposed like that, his hole glistening and fingered open, all ready for Isak, makes something primal clench in his chest, makes him rougher than he would’ve liked to be.

He wants to make it sensual, slow rolls of hips and long lingering kisses, but the truth is that he’s flushed from head to toe, covered in sweat, and his erection is almost hurting by now. He’ll probably _die_ if he doesn’t get his dick inside Even right now.

So he releases Even’s thigh to line himself up and in one insistent roll of his hips, he pushes inside of Even. The pressure and heat that surrounds him almost makes his arms give out, makes him grit his teeth, makes him almost feel like a teenager all over again. He’s used to having control over his body, has practice in holding back, but this… this is _too much_. Isak has to pause to fight the initial overwhelming urge to just plow into Even and release deep inside of him.

Even’s breathing heavily under him, has a tight grip on Isak’s neck, and seems almost lost to the feeling of Isak inside of him. His lips are moving but no sounds are released from his mouth, red and inviting as it is, and Isak can’t help it, has to lean down and kiss Even again. He’s kissing slack lips, trying to coax a reaction out of Even, to make sure that he’s there with him and slowly Even starts kissing him back. He tightens his grip on Isak, makes him lean down onto him even more so Even’s legs are pushed open further and Isak inadvertently moves inside of him. That punches a sound out of Even, a desperate moan that makes Isak’s dick tingle with electricity, makes it almost impossible for him to keep still. He can feel a bead of sweat roll down his forehead, all the way down his face until it drips from his chin. He’s so into this, into Even, he can’t remember ever feeling this good before.

As much as he’s trying to regain some sort of semblance of control over his own body, he’s not waiting for Even to be ready for more. He’s lost in it already, in this feeling that he remembers like a muscle-memory, like something that’s been buried in him for too long but is now breaking the surface.

He wants to drown in it, wants to feel Even _everywhere_. And suddenly Even seems too far away with his legs demanding room between them, so Isak lets go of them and lies down on top of Even instead, still buried in him, still not moving with purpose inside of him. Just revelling in the closeness of Even, in how right this feels, to be inside him once again.

Even is breathing against his lips, pulling Isak closer with his arms around him, still looking at him with that dazed expression.

“You feel so good,” Even says, and Isak keens at that.

He’s already overwhelmed with how good Even feels, he’s going to die if Even starts talking to him in that way he does when they’re together like this. So earnest and raw, and like he can’t hide his emotions, like words just have to come pouring out of him, and Isak has to kiss him, has to cover him even more, can’t believe how much he’s feeling at the moment. Isn’t really sure that he’s able to contain it all, afraid that it will come flowing out of him any moment through his dick, which is throbbing and demanding attention that Isak doesn’t really want to give.

He wants to stay here, like this, suspended in time and space, noticing how glorious Even looks like this, how he can barely contain all the feelings he has inside of him.

In the end Even takes the choice away from him. He moves his legs, opens up to Isak and locks his ankles behind his back and starts to roll his hips sinuously, working himself on Isak’s dick, using him to get off.

Isak can feel himself flushing impossibly further, he can’t believe he hasn’t combusted yet, and his body starts moving for him. Long steady rolls of his hips, pushing him deep inside of Even, making him drag his dick against his walls, causing delicious friction that’s almost making him delirious with how good it feels.

He’s panting, puts his arms completely under and around Even, locks his hands on his shoulders and pushes his face into Even’s neck. He needs to smell him, needs his scent to ground him to this moment. He’s pulling Even into him, even though it’s impossible for them to get any closer, but he just wants more, his mind is a mess of _closer, more_ , and he keeps pulling like he could make their skin melt together, make them one.

And Isak is surrounded by Even as well, by his arms, his legs, by his walls, his scent and he can feel his heart beating faster against the onslaught of emotions that washes over him. He’s finally with Even again. He’s finally able to touch and kiss like he wants to. And that’s almost too much.

He’s feeling more and more overwhelmed, his head swimming with memories and sensations and his body is doing the work for him, without thought, just keeps pushing him closer and closer until he’s standing by the edge, waiting for the inevitable fall.

He wants Even to join him, wants him there with him, needs to know that this is just as intense for him, but he can’t let go, can’t make room for his hand to reach Even. His fingers are locked around Even’s shoulders, making dents in his skin, sliding a bit on the sweat there.

Even makes a sound in his throat, like he’s trying to tell Isak something, and then his head drops back onto the pillow exposing his long neck to Isak who snuggles into it further, grazes the unblemished skin there with his teeth, and then Even makes a high wailing sound that’s almost a scream.

He squeezes his arms and legs around Isak, and Isak feels his walls fluttering against him just seconds before he notices the warmth spreading between them. He barely realises that Even’s coming before he starts chasing his own orgasm, high on the feeling of Even’s cum easing the slide between them, and it’s uncoordinated and uncontrolled the way he pushes into Even. He’s gritting his teeth, keening out his pleasure and he thrusts once and then twice more, pushing himself impossibly higher, so close to coming he can almost taste it.

Even feels so good around him, so tight, the perfect channel for him. He feels more than hears Even moan against him and that’s what finally pushes Isak off the edge. And it really does feel like a fall.

Every muscle in his body tenses up, clenching to the point of being just on the right side of painful, his jaw is clamping so hard it feels like his teeth could shatter any second, and he’s keening out his release much louder than he’s comfortable with.

His hips keep pushing into Even, drilling deeper, always deeper, prolonging the pleasure, making him see white, making his body shake through it, almost convulsing with it. His grip on Even is so tight he’s sure he’s leaving bruises on his skin, but he can’t help it. He hangs on to him like a lifeline, like he’s the only thing that can get him through this in one piece and it’s almost too much, too intense.

He’s never come like this in his life, and it seems he can’t stop, his dick keeps shooting inside of Even, making shivers run through his body with every rope of cum pulled from him. The intensity of it almost scares him, makes him wish for control over his body, which seems useless and unmanageable, but he’s powerless against it. Has to just push through it, has to find a way to endure the ferocity of the orgasm. It lasts for longer than he ever thought possible, but as it slowly starts to taper off he’s almost wishing for it back.

What’s left of him is a trembling, weak pile of goo, noodles for limps, absolutely no power in any crevice of his body. He’s lying on top of Even, all useless and panting and sweating and feeling better than he ever has in his entire life. His whole body’s tingling with it, he’s filled to the brim with the remnants of the intensity, and all he wants to do is pull Even closer. Always closer.

Even’s gasping under him, hanging on to Isak for dear life as well, and Isak joyously realises that Even must have felt at least some of it too. How right this is. How fucking perfect they still fit together.

He lifts his head just enough that they’re able to kiss, and as his lips reach Even’s he immediately responds, kisses back like his life depends on it, and it’s so right, so _them_ , that Isak could cry.

But he’s not going to, not when he’s feelings so good, endorphins running through his entire body. He can’t help but shift a bit, move his body so he’s once more fully on top of Even, giving him enough room to be able to tilt his head and deepen the kiss.

It shouldn’t be this good. It shouldn’t. Not when they’re still out of breath, sweaty and clinging to each other. But it is. Undeniably. Every sense in Isak’s body is focused on this kiss, and he doesn’t want to stop, just wants to lie there and kiss Even.

However it doesn’t take long for reality to start seeping in, the cum between them growing uncomfortable and Isak softening inside Even, and he really should do something about the condom before he gets too soft.  So he pulls away from Even, and it’s more effort than he would like to admit, leaving those lips.

But as soon as he’s far enough away, he stops to stare at Even. Just for a second. Just to admire how gorgeous he’s like that, looking used in the best of ways. Flushed, puffy lips, covered in cum, hair in complete disarray. Isak is already addicted to the sight he makes like that. And he remembers vividly how this has always been his favourite part, over and over again, seeing how he could affect Even. He has to lean in and kiss him, just one last time before they get on with the practicalities.

Afterwards, they lie there in each other’s arms, almost clinging to each other, like they’re afraid that this feeling growing between them, so close to being love again, will disappear if they separate.

Isak doesn’t want to stop touching, lets his hand roam over Even’s back while his other one is holding onto Even’s hand for dear life. They’re staring into each other’s eyes, saying so much without speaking, telling each other how much they’ve missed this, how right it feels to be here.

Isak knows they still have so many things to work through, but it’s so nice to know that this at least still works. This they have down to perfection.

And they’ll have plenty of time to work on the rest of their issues. Isak can feel it deep down, knows that this time, he’s not going to let Even get away that easily.              

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew. So… I’m not even gonna ask any questions this time, I just hope you’re all feeling it… <3
> 
> The last chapter will be up on Friday instead of Saturday. Yes, I’m fucking up my own posting schedule, but it’s my birthday on Friday and I want to give myself (and you?) a birthday present by finishing this a bit early. I’m the birthday girl, so I can do what I want… ;) ;)


	6. Keep a place for me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINAL CHAPTER!!! I almost can’t believe that it’s finally done!! This has taken the combined handholding and cheerleading effort of Mornmeril and Maugurt to get done, and I can’t thank you guys enough!! You are my heroes! <3 <3 
> 
> This chapter is betaed by Mornmeril, and as always she made it worth reading. :D
> 
> As I stated earlier this is a day early as it’s my birthday today. So this is my birthday present to myself (and to you guys a little bit as well)… ;)
> 
> I hope you enjoy this last chapter, and I’ll see you on the other side!

Isak should be looking at the new report from QC, he _should_ , his computer is still open on the table in front of him. Even also had some work, but that’s forgotten as well, as Isak is rocking his hips in Even’s lap, completely absorbed by how good it feels to rub himself against Even. They’re lost in kissing each other, Even has both hands on Isak’s ass, pulling him in, helping Isak grind against him. Isak is flushed, should take a couple of layers off to stop sweating so much, but he’s invested in this feeling now, can’t even imagine stopping or getting off of Even. The grind of their dicks against each other feels so _good_ that Isak thinks he could come from this. Just like when he was a teenager. Even just makes him feel so much.

“Jesus, Isak,” Even pants into his mouth, and his name pouring from Even’s lips like that makes him whine high in his throat. And it takes another few minutes of kissing, of grinding, before Even says something again, “Please tell me I can fuck you.”

Isak really wants to say yes. He does. But he can feel his entire body freeze and he stops his frantic movements against Even. Even takes another few seconds to stop moving, but then he open his eyes and looks right at Isak, sensing that the mood has changed.

“I don’t…” Isak starts, but can’t get his mind to work properly, doesn’t quite know how to explain to Even why he still has reservations about not being the one on top.

And Even looks at him, a little disappointed, but he shakes it off so fast that Isak can almost convince himself that he’s seeing things.

Isak’s still so unsure about it, it’s been so long and he excuses his insecurities with how he’s just not ready to open himself up like that again. But when he looks at Even, lets himself feel all that he makes him feel, he realises it might happen at some point.

\--||--

“So, I have something for you,” Isak says and tries not to look as nervous as he feels.

Even distractedly looks up from his computer. He’s sitting by the kitchen table, long legs sticking out. He’s wearing Isak’s sweats, looking so at home that it almost _hurts_ Isak. He belongs there, with Isak. And Isak has postponed this long enough. He’s so tired of agonising over it, he’s just going to do it.

“Did you buy me a gift?” Even asks incredulously and Isak flushes a bit.

“Well, kind of,” he says and holds it out to Even, hidden under his fingers.

It’s not until Even smiles that fond smile of his at him that he swallows down his nerves enough to open his fist.

Isak’s hand stays suspended in the air. He doesn’t quite get the reaction that he’d hoped for, because Even is sitting completely still. He doesn’t really react apart from a small furrow of his brows.

“You’re giving me a key?” he asks, but he doesn’t really sound happy about it.

And Isak gets it. He knows why Even’s looking at him like that, and he feels frantic to fix it, to make sure that Even understands.

“We’ve been together for a while now, and I really enjoy having you here.” Isak can’t help but smile, because that might be the understatement of the century. “I want us to keep moving forward, and this seems like the most appropriate way to do it.”

“By giving me a key?”

Even still doesn’t quite sound like he gets it, but Isak pushes on, has to continue now. There’s really no going back now.

“I even bought a special keyring for it. Look!” he says and excitedly shows Even this cute keyring he found by accident a couple of weeks before. It has a picture of an open window with yellow curtains billowing in the wind, and he’d thought of Even immediately when he saw it. He grows quiet, and says maybe more seriously than the situation calls for, “I’ve never done that before.”

And it’s true. It’s always just been the key, he’s never personalised it like this before. And he hopes that Even will see the gesture for what it is. That he will understand.

But Even seems stuck, looks at the key like it’s somehow personally offended him.

“Please don’t take this the wrong way, Even,” Isak says, and tries to go on. “I…”

But Even cuts him off and says with a forced smile, “No. No, I understand.” He takes the key from Isak and starts packing up his things.

But Isak can see that he doesn’t, can see that he’s misunderstood. He has so many things he wants to tell Even, but his brain isn’t working fast enough for him to fix this. Isak grabs onto Even’s arm to stop him.

“I’m worried that I somehow didn’t explain this right to you,” he says.

He tries to catch Even’s eye, but he doesn’t seem interested. Even just shakes him off and continues to pack up his things, and Isak is growing desperate now. He grabs Even’s wrist again, tries to catch his gaze again.

“Even, don’t do this. I gave you the key because I really… care for you.”

And Isak can’t help the pause, knows how it sounds, but he just can’t say _love_ yet. Not just yet. He closes his eyes for a second, curses his goddamn inability to get across what Even really means to him and he’s just about to continue, but when he opens his eyes and looks at Even, he seems downright furious.  

“You can’t even fucking say it!” Even snaps.

He’s standing there, still in the process of packing up, with his computer in one hand, bag in the other that Isak is still holding onto, and Isak is speechless.

“I’ve been pouring out my heart to you,” Even says. “Telling you over and over that I want you, how bad I want _this_ , and you give me a fucking _key_ and tell me you “care” for me…?”

He shakes Isak off, and puts down his things on the table.

Isak stops breathing. He’s definitely been telling Even how much he wants him as well. Hasn’t he?

“Do you even fucking want me? Do you want to be with me the same way that I want to be with you?” Even asks, and he doesn’t sound so angry anymore. He sounds almost resigned. And somehow that makes Isak feel even worse than the anger did.

“Of course I do, Even. I want to be with you. I’ve told you this.”

“No, you’ve told me you’d _try_.” And he says that last word in a way that leaves no doubt in Isak’s mind that he’s hurt Even by not letting him know that he’s no longer just trying anymore.

“Even, please, it’s not like that for me anymore, I want to be with you,” Isak tries but he can see that Even doesn’t look convinced.

“Do you? Or am I just convenient like all the rest have been? A way to keep everybody at arm’s length, to not let yourself care about anyone. Am I just one more in a long line of boyfriends you don’t really give a shit about?”

And Isak shakes his head, completely taken by surprise with how insecure Even is feeling, how insecure Isak’s behaviour has made him.

“Do you think I’ll ever get to fuck you?” Even says and looks at him like he already knows the answer. Like the answer hurts him.

And Isak flushes. It’s never been about hurting Even. He didn’t realise that this was something that bothered Even so much. And he can feel himself becoming defensive, and he doesn’t want to be, but it’s how he reacts to anger.

“Is that what this is about?” Isak says, even though he _knows_ that it’s really not. He just can’t seem to help himself but be an idiot.

But he regrets it the second he sees how his words hurt Even. And Even looks like he expected it, but had hoped for more from Isak. Just like that, Isak suddenly hates himself.

“I just don’t know how to make you move forward, Isak,” he says, and shrugs helplessly. “I feel like we’re just stuck in the same place where you’re constantly trying to decide if you really want to be with me, if you really want me, and I just can’t…”

And he stops there. Looks at Isak with wide eyes, like he didn’t mean for those words to come out of his mouth.

Isak feels desperate all over again.

“Don’t do this, Even. Don’t you fucking do this!” he spits out, and wants to shake some sense into Even. He can’t have Even leave him again. He just can’t!

And they stand there opposite each other for a couple of very long seconds, before Even exhales roughly, sits down heavily in the chair by the table, and just looks so defeated when he says, “I didn’t know how it would feel to be kept in this weird place of being with you, but not really being with you, you know? And I guess I didn’t know how much it could hurt when you keep pulling back from me and all I want to do is move forward.”

His entire body is folded in on itself, and he looks so small and almost beaten that Isak can’t stand it. All the fight goes out of him. He gets down on his knees in front of Even, takes his hands in his and says, “It’s _never_ been my intention to make you feel like that, Even.”

And he’s never meant anything more in his life.

But Even shakes his head and when he leans in to kiss Isak, it doesn’t feel like the good kind of kiss. It almost feels like a goodbye and Isak closes his eyes to it, wants to chase Even when he pulls away.

“I want you to think about this, Isak,” Even says, his face still close like they’re in a bubble of just the two of them. “I want you to realise what it is you want, and how you want it. And then I want you to come to me if you’ve figured out that you want me like I want you.”

Isak feels like he can’t possibly hide from Even’s eyes, like they look through him, can see every crevice in him. And he realises that Even’s not pulling away from him, he’s giving Isak a choice. A choice to stay like he’s been, keeping the world away to never get hurt. Or to jump and hope that he won’t.

Isak wishes that he wasn’t such a coward. He wishes he could tell Even that he’s ready, that he’ll jump for him anytime. But he can’t. He’s been like this for so long that he has to know for sure before he tells Even his answer.

So he stays quiet as Even finishes packing his things. He then walks out of the kitchen, and they look at each other for a brief moment, desperation pouring out of both of them, before Even turns around and walks out of Isak’s apartment.

It feels so empty and cold after the front door has shut behind Even. Isak sits there on the floor, still on his knees, frozen to the spot. Completely incredulous about how he went from feeling like everything was so _right_ , so perfect, to sitting here alone. He doesn’t quite know how long he sits there. He just knows that his knees are hurting by the time he gets up.

He stays in this weird limbo for some time. He’s restless, feels like he should _do_ something, but he can’t figure out what.

He sits with his phone in his hands for a while before he ends up texting Jonas to hear what he’s up to. And in normal Jonas style he simply replies with a _come over_. So Isak puts on his jacket and leaves.

\--||--

Two hours later Isak’s high as a kite. And for the first time in a really long time he can feel his muscles lose some of the tension he’s been accumulating. This is _exactly_ what he needs right now. He’s melting into the sofa as he slowly lets out the smoke he’s been keeping in his lunges. He lets himself feel the tingle in his limbs, how the weed slowly turns his body to molasses and loosens his mind.

“So how’s it going with you and Eva?” Isak says. And it’s the first thing they’ve said to each other in a while, but Isak needs for this conversation to start on an easy point.

Jonas just looks at him, can clearly see that something is up, that Isak has something he wants to talk to him about, but Jonas doesn’t push, lets him start out slowly.

“It’s going real good,” he says, but keeps looking expectingly at Isak. Just waiting for him.

Isak _hmms_ and grows quiet for a couple of seconds, focusing on the blunt between his fingers before he just blurts it out.

“So I think I fucked up,” he says in a low voice, like he’s not sure, but that’s not right. So he takes a deep breath and continues. “No, I know I did.” And his voice is so much surer this time.

Jonas nods. “With Even?”

Isak nods back, doesn’t really think he can actually say it out loud, it’s still so _raw_.

Jonas takes a hit of his bong, and lets the smoke out slowly, smiling a bit.

“I kind of imagined that would happen, you being you.”

And Isak appreciates him trying to lighten the mood, he really does, but he doesn’t really return Jonas’ smile whole-heartedly, it’s more of a twitch to one side of his mouth. And Jonas grows serious right away, sits up and puts the bong on the table. Giving Isak all of his attention.

“What did you do, Isak?” he says, concerned.

And Isak can’t even express how much he appreciates Jonas. He really can’t.

“I gave him a key,” Isak says while looking down.

He _knows_ what Jonas will say to that, but Jonas doesn’t even have to say anything with the look he’s giving Isak that’s speaking volumes on its own.

“Not like that!” Isak says and puts his hands out, “I tried to tell him it wasn’t like that, I even bought him a key-ring with yellow curtains on it.”

He can hear how it sounds like he’s defending himself, but it’s hard not to.

“Yellow curtains..?” Jonas says incredulously.

“It’s a _thing_ , okay?” and Isak can’t hide how exasperated he is by now. Why doesn’t Jonas seem to understand either?

“Isak, you know that Even knows you well enough to be afraid of what a key means,” Jonas says, finally taking pity on him.

“I know, okay? But I told him, more than once, that that wasn’t how I felt, that it wasn’t because I didn’t know how to tell him to fuck off. But he didn’t listen to me. He got angry and told me that I had to choose him.”

And Isak looks at Jonas indignantly, completely sure that he’s going to get his support in this. All he did was give Even a key because he wanted to move forward.

Jonas nods, but he doesn’t really look like he agrees with Isak. “Okay. You told him. But have you shown him?”

Isak just looks at him.

“What?” he says, completely flabbergasted.

“Yeah, I mean, Even’s wooed you, he’s planned dates for you, and shown you, and all of us, again and again how much he wants you. Have you done the same for him? Does he _know_ , except for what you tell him?”

And sometimes Jonas is so fucking clever that Isak could strangle him.

In just 5 minutes he’s been able to reach the core of the problem. Isak can’t help but picture Even’s tattoo in his mind. And he realises that he hasn’t. He’s done absolutely nothing to show Even just how invested he is now, how much he knows that Even belongs with him now.

The more he thinks about it, the more he realises how his reservations must have looked to Even. That he never told him when they started to disappear, let alone made any effort to show him, just sort of expected Even to somehow know.

He’s too high to do anything about it now, although he feels an urgency he hasn’t felt before.

“Well shit…” he says and looks at Jonas with wide eyes.

“Yeah.” Jonas nods. “You have to do something really extra and over the top to show him. You know how much he’d love that.”

And Isak knows, he knows that he has to do something completely ridiculous, something far out of his comfort zone to do Even justice.

He lies back on the couch, takes another hit of the bong, and as he exhales the smoke slowly from his lungs he gets the best idea.

\--||--

Isak is ready to drop everything. To just throw this fucking tie away and call it all off. He’s used to tying ties by now, but he’s nervous and sweaty and shaking a bit, tries to stop his mind from focusing on how much is actually at stake here, and that apparently makes it fucking _impossible_ for him to tie a tie.

The plan is to surprise Even, and he’s almost ready. He’s in his finest suit, the tie is the last thing to keep him from going to Even’s apartment and surprise him with their date. He’s on the last part of the knot, finally getting it to come out right with the ends in the right lengths when there’s a knock on his door.

Isak opens it and he’s surprised to see Even on the other side, who looks just as surprised at seeing Isak in a suit. His eyes are eating him up and he almost looks dazed.

“What are you doing here?” Isak says at the exact same time as Even says, “What are you wearing?”

They laugh at each other, a bit awkward, but then Isak clears his throat and says, “I was just about to come pick you up.”

“You were?” Even says, surprised but still smiling, and Isak now notices the bags under his eyes and how his hair isn’t styled in his immaculate style. He looks stressed.

“I’m taking you out on a date.”

Isak takes Even’s hand and pulls him into the apartment, uses the movement to shut the door and pull Even close. He can’t help it, he needs to feel him against him. He’s so fucking relieved when he feels Even melt in his arms.

Even buries his head in the junction between Isak’s shoulder and neck and breathes him in. Isak closes his eyes, he’s so happy that Even is feeling the same kind of relief that he is.

“I’m so sorry, I was so sure that I fucked up, that I made you think that I left you again,” Even says, his voice muffled by Isak’s suit jacket.

“Jesus, baby, no! I get it, I so get what you were saying.” Isak pulls back so he can look Even in the eye. “It’s me who should be sorry, I should’ve shown you how much you mean to me.”

Even smiles and the tension bleeds out of him and Isak can almost feel him turn to putty in his hands.

“I’m in a suit, because I have this whole evening planned out to show you how much I care about you, how much you mean to me," Isak says.

Even raises his eyebrows at that, and his smile turns playful. "Yeah? What are we doing?"

Isak gently strokes a stray lock of hair on Even’s forehead back and says, "We're going to _Mæt_ to eat, and then..."

"But it’s impossible to get a table there...?" Even interrupts.

"You're telling me, you don't even know how many favours I owe Mahdi now," Isak says, exasperated and rolling his eyes a bit.

"But you don't like that kind of food," Even says, frowning.

"I know. But you do."

And Even smiles that smile of his, the one where his entire face lights up and his eyes almost disappear.

"And then..." Isak continues like Even didn't just make them detour from explaining his plans. "We're going to _Hundehuset_ for those beers you love and it's jazz-night there."

"But didn't you call that place pretentious and over the top the last time we went there?" Even interrupts him again.

"You're sensing a theme here, right?" Isak says and smiles. "This night isn't about me, it's about you."

Even looks at him like he can’t believe it. Can’t believe that Isak would do something like this for him. "You don’t have to do that, you know."

"I do, I really do. You've planned all these dates for me, and you've shown me time and time again how much you want me to be part of your life. Let me spoil you a bit. Let me do this for you."

Even closes the space between them and kisses him. He rests his forehead against Isak’s and exhales slowly. Isak can’t help but smile fondly at him. He wants to give this man the _world_.

"Okay, let’s go." Even says and takes Isak’s hand again.

\--||--

They stumble back into the apartment several hours later, tipsy and happy, constantly laughing and touching.

Isak can’t even remember the last time he felt so free. Even has had a real hard time keeping his hands off him, making his suit look crumbled to the point where it just makes him look shabby. Even’s hands have constantly wandered under his jacket, grazing his back and his buttocks. Isak almost feels high with how much he’s been touched tonight.

As soon as the door closes behind them, Even is all over Isak, kissing him, pushing his suit out of the way.

“You don’t even realise what you look like in that suit,” Even says between kisses, sounding frantic and already panting a bit.

He pushes his hip into Isak’s, making it really obvious just how much he’s affected by the sight of Isak like this.

Isak has to swallow away the dryness in his throat. Hearing Even talk to him like that, being so affected by him just _does_ things to him, makes him incapable of thinking straight. He makes this whining sound high in his throat that just seems to spur Even on even further and he advances on Isak, guides him blindly into the bedroom where he proceeds to push the jacket off of Isak’s shoulders.

“How attached are you to this shirt?” he says and sounds way too coherent given the circumstances.

Isak is dazed and can’t seem to follow Even’s train of thoughts and he makes a _hmm?_ sound and hopes that that’s answer enough for Even.

“Fuck it, I’ll buy you a new one,” Even says frantically and ribs the shirt open in one quick move, making buttons fly everywhere and Isak almost come in his pants from how hot it is.   

“Even, Even, Even,” Isak is chanting, pulls Even closer, deepens the kiss, just wants him in any way right now. As long as he’s close, as long as Isak can touch him, can feel him being real under his hands, against him.

Even pushes Isak over and he bounces, surprised, onto the bed. It doesn’t’ take long for Even to follow him, for him to get naked, to climb over Isak, straddling him, kissing his chest, licking his nipples.

Isak moans loudly, is almost overwhelmed by how good it feels, how right it feels to be held down by Even like this.

“Come on, Even, please, just…” he’s begging, but he’s not quite sure what he’s begging for. Just something, _anything_.

Even swears at this, bites his lips and moves forward on Isak, his knees pushing Isak’s arms up, until they are resting above his head. Even settles when he’s sitting on Isak’s chest, his buttocks resting on Isak’s pecs, his beautiful dick standing erect just above Isak’s mouth. Isak can’t help but lift his head so he can reach it with his tongue and he proceeds to lick it as good as he possibly can when all he can reach it with is the tip of his tongue. It’s more like a wet touch than a lick, but Even moans at it and he looks desperate above Isak.

Isak’s dick is hurting in his pants, he desperately wants to touch it, but he knows he can’t, and that’s also alright when Even is looking at him like _that_.

Even leans forward a bit, enough for his dick to reach Isak’s mouth and Isak opens up immediately, chases Even’s dick with his tongue out, desperate to taste it.

Even mutters _fuck, Isak!_ somewhere above him, but it’s almost lost to Isak who just focuses on getting Even’s dick in his mouth now. Even leans forward even more, puts his hand on the headboard and slowly, but surely, pushes his dick into Isak’s mouth. One centimetre at the time, making sure that Isak can feel it all in his mouth, slowly going down his throat.

Isak concentrates on breathing, on relaxing his throat as he can feel Even slowly pull back just to push into him a bit rougher. Isak’s eyes are rolling back in his head, he’s completely in the moment, completely gone on how _good_ Even is making him feel. His mouth floods with saliva, and on the next instroke he swallows around Even’s dick in his throat.

Even sobs above him, cries out his pleasure, and the sounds that Even’s making are going straight to Isak’s dick, making heat coil further in his stomach.

His hips are thrusting into the air, he’s _this_ close already, just from blowing Even, just from how responsive Even is. He’s making Isak’s head spin, and he sucks harder, swallows more, just to pull more sounds out of Even, just to push himself closer to the edge.

Even is almost full on thrusting into Isak’s mouth by now, the headboard’s rhythmically banging against the wall, but Isak couldn’t care less, he’s so absorbed by this, by how good this feels. He’s whining out his desperation, spreading his legs, trying to find purchase on the bed, and his spine tingles from how in control Even is like this. He’s holding Isak down, choking him with his dick and Isak is powerless to it, gives over his control completely, blindly, to Even.

“Fuck, I’m going to come!” Even says through clenched teeth as he pulls out abruptly from Isak’s mouth, and Isak tries to follow him, lifts his head, puts out his tongue, knows he must make quite the sight, flushed and covered in spit and precum. He opens his eyes, takes in how gorgeous Even looks like that, towering over him, stroking himself to completion with the tip barely touching Isak’s tongue. Isak keeps it out, wants him to come in his mouth, on his face, closes his eyes in anticipation of how good it’s going to feel to be covered in Even’s cum.

And that surrender from Isak must do something to Even, because Isak can feel his thighs clench around him, boxing him in further, and then he hears Even’s loud moan just moments before he feels himself being painted in Even’s cum. The first rope lands from his forehead to his chin and he licks his lips to catch as much as he can with his tongue, the second spurt hits his mouth more precisely and from then on Even empties on his tongue, in his mouth. Isak moans and swallows through it, licks up every drop, frantic to get as much down his sore throat as he can, to taste Even as much as possible.

Even pushes his dick into Isak’s mouth a few more times, like he wants to make sure he gets every remnant of cum that’s left and Isak can feel him growing soft in his mouth. But Isak is _dying_ here, he’s squirming under Even, his hips thrusting into nothing and his dick is so hard that he can’t stand not being touched.

Even smirks at him, keeps his still half-hard dick in Isak’s cum-covered mouth and then he releases the head board with one hand and reaches behind him.

Isak’s entire body convulses when Even puts his hand on his dick over his pants. Even doesn’t take it out, just keeps stroking it through the fabric, constantly keeping his eyes on Isak.

Isak still has Even’s dick in his mouth, even though he’s stopped sucking. His mouth is lax, his eyes focused on Even, and he’s wailing with how good it feels. He’s so close, and he can’t believe he’s about to come in his pants like he’s a fucking teenager, but Even keeps working him, pushing him closer and closer.

“Come on Isak, give in to it, come for me,” Even says, his voice rough and dangerously low, and Isak can’t help how his body shakes at it, how the words go straight to his dick, pushing another drop of precum out of him, wetting his briefs further.

Isak keens, pushes his hips up into Even’s hand, his feet and legs unable to stay still on the bed, and with one last vicious stroke, Isak comes.

He feels his dick throb with it, feels his entire body tighten and he’s seeing white. He can’t control the sounds he’s making, knows they’re muffled by Even’s dick still in his mouth, but everything feels so good as he paints the inside of his underwear.

Even keeps stroking him through it, rubs the palm of his hand over him, grounds Isak, makes him breathe through the intensity of the orgasm. Isak pushes through, lets himself be overtaken by the ecstasy, by _Even_.

As soon as Isak is spent, he whines at how Even is still stroking him and Even resorts to just running his fingers over the line of the zipper instead. Isak is shaking under him, is drooling a bit by now, and he’s clenching his fists in the duvet, like he can’t let go or he’ll fall apart.

Even finally gets off him, and Isak makes a distressed sound as Even’s dick is pulled from his mouth. He lies down besides Isak, strokes a drop of sweat off Isak’s forehead and kisses him carefully on his over-sensitive mouth.

“Jesus, we’ve made a mess of you,” Even says fondly. “A pretty mess, though.”

Isak can’t help but smile at him, even though it still feels like he might fall apart. He leans into Even, doesn’t care about the drool or the cum on his face, he needs to be close to him, needs to kiss him. And Even meets him in the middle and kisses him deeply, like he can’t stand to be apart from Isak either.

They stay like that for a few minutes, kissing, touching each other reverently. Until Isak calms down and stops shaking. Until the cum starts drying on his face and in his briefs.

“Let’s get you cleaned up.”

Even reluctantly gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom. Isak can hear him opening a few cupboards and running the water, before he returns with a warm wash cloth. He starts to carefully wipe the mess off Isak’s face.

Isak feels so taken care of, feels loved and protected by how attentive Even is being. And he doesn’t even have to think about it, just lets his instinct take over.

“I love you,” he says, and he’s never meant it more than he does now.

Even stops his movement, the wash cloth hovering above Isak’s cheek, his eyes fitting between Isak’s. He looks surprised for a few seconds before he erupts in a smile to compete with the sun. He gives this slight laugh, like he’s just been given the biggest present ever, and leans into Isak to kiss him, disregarding the mess still on his face.

“I love you too, baby. So, so much,” he says and laughs into Isak’s mouth.

Isak laughs back, making his jaw and mouth hurt a bit more and remind him of what they just did. But he doesn’t care. He knows how right this is, how perfect Even fits into his life.

They end up falling asleep in each other’s arms, completely wrapped up in each other.

\--||--

Isak wakes up before Even does. They are lying close, Even on his back, Isak cuddled up close to him on his side. Isak just opens his eyes and immediately hones in on Even lying there, looking so beautiful and sleep-soft. Isak stays like that, still and quiet, just looks at Even, lets himself come to terms that Even’s his now, and that he’s Even’s. And he loves him. He loves him so fucking much that he feels like there’s not enough space inside him to contain it all.

He can’t help but reach out and touch Even, lets his fingers run softly over the skin of his shoulder, up to his neck, his jaw and finally his lips. Isak could stare at those lips all day, so soft and full. So fucking addictive to kiss. His thumb pulls at Even’s lower lip a bit, just enough for Isak to see teeth and he feels himself getting hard just with that small movement.

Even starts to stir under his fingers, moves his face so his lips nuzzle into Isak’s fingers and Isak swallows at that. It seems that Even just moving gets Isak going.

“Good morning,” Even says in a low, rough, sleep-heavy voice.

Isak immediately smiles at that, he can’t help the affection creeping over him, that he’s going to be the only one from now on to hear how Even sounds this early in the morning.

Instead of answering he leans in to kiss him, but it ends up basically being just them rubbing their smiles against each other. Isak’s cheeks are already starting to hurt from smiling this much, but he can’t help it. He’s so happy that it seems that Even feels the same.

“Did yesterday really happen?” Even says and rolls over on his side to be able to look into Isak’s eyes. “Did you really tell me that you love me?”

Isak nods and as Even opens his mouth to say something more, Isak speaks over him, “I love you.”

Even’s smile is immediate and blinding, and he leans in to kiss Isak with his hand on Isak’s jaw, his thumb caressing his cheek. Isak deepens the kiss immediately, can’t help it, is brimming with feelings for this man, and this is the only outlet he can find for it.

Even makes a pleased sound in his throat and lets Isak gently push him to lie on his back again with Isak on top. Isak shifts his body, keeps kissing Even, pulls down the duvet from Even’s body and moves to straddle him.

Even makes a surprised sound into Isak’s mouth when Isak grinds down on him. Isak is rock hard already, good to go, and he’s so pleased to discover that Even is getting there fast as well.

He hums into the kiss, let’s Even know how happy he is with this, and pushes his tongue into Even’s mouth. He lets his hips continue to grind down on Even’s erection, getting dirtier and dirtier with every grind, until Even’s hands slips down from Isak’s shoulders to grab his ass hard and direct his grinds more to his pleasure. Even holding him like this sends zaps of electricity down Isak’s spine and he wants more. He wants everything.

When the idea hits him he shivers from it. He doesn’t feel hesitant or like he’s pushing himself too far. He feels like it would be right and so easy for him to give this last bit of him away to Even like this. So he stops kissing Even for a few seconds to lean over to his bedside table and get some lube and a condom.

“Yeah, let’s do that,” Even says and starts to squirm under Isak, like he’s getting ready to spread his legs for Isak.

Isak puts a hand on Even’s chest briefly to stop him, and while keeping eye contact with Even he pours some lube over his fingers and reaches back behind him.

Even is frozen under him, his hands on Isak’s bum, his mouth open and wet. But he’s keeping absolutely still, like he can’t quite fathom what Isak is doing, what Isak is offering.

Isak starts circling his rim with his lubed fingers, just getting used to it, to how good it feels to be touched there, before he pushes in the first. He can’t help the sigh that escapes him at that, and Even makes a strangled sound in his throat and his dick twitches between Isak’s legs.

Isak can feel his body heat up, can feel shivers run through him, and he uses the momentum to add a second finger. It’s a little bit more of a stretch now, but he pushes through it, wants Even inside him so fucking badly.

He can feel his eyelids start to droop, his mouth is open like he’s too overwhelmed to close it, and he keeps looking at Even, keeps cataloguing his reactions, how he’s keeping still with his body but his eyes are all over Isak, looking at him giving himself up.

Even’s eyes finally settle on Isak’s dick, that’s so hard, hovering erect over Even’s stomach, just bobbing along with every rough exhale Isak is making. Even seems mesmerized by it, looks like he wants to touch it so badly, and just the idea of Even’s hands on him pushes a bead of precum out of Isak’s dick, makes it look glistening and wet, and like it needs to be touched.

“Keep your hands off my dick, Even. If you touch me now, I’m going to come,” Isak says in as flat of a voice he can muster right now. Like it’s no big deal for him, he really just doesn’t want to come yet.

But those words fire something up in Even, make his eyes sparkle, and makes him bite his lip. It seems to pull him from his reverie and he moves his hands inward on Isak’s ass to where Isak’s fingers are working inside of him. Even touches his rim, feels Isak’s fingers sliding in and out of him, and Isak starts sweating immediately. Even touching him like this is really doing it for him, is making him thrust in little aborted movements into thin air on top of Even, no friction to be found anywhere.

And Even seems to enjoy it as well, he’s moaning under Isak, saying Isak’s name over and over again, and then he slowly pushes his forefinger into Isak, next to Isak’s fingers. Isak’s head falls back at this, he stills his fingers, completely overtaken by the burn and how _good_ Even’s finger feels.

Even ignores Isak’s stillness though, moves his finger with purpose, stretching him, opening Isak up for him. And Isak is so on board with that, so turned on, his dick dripping with precum, his skin slick with sweat, and he feels dazed and impatient.  

Even seems to ignore that, just keeps moving inside of him, and when Isak finally looks back at Even he finds him looking at him like he’s the most captivating vision he’s ever seen.

Even slowly adds another finger and Isak has to put his free hand on Even’s chest, just to steady himself, and he gasps through the burn. It’s been so long since he’s had other fingers inside of him than his own, he’s almost forgotten how much _more_ it can feel like.

He clenches his teeth at the added pressure, just wants it over with, wants Even’s dick inside of him more than anything, and he urges himself to relax, to bear down, to just get loose enough to be able to handle it.

Isak is so lost in the feeling of their combined fingers inside of him moving in unison that he almost startles when Even starts to speak.

“Please tell me you’re ready, Isak. I’m dying here!”

And he _does_ sound like he’s dying, he’s panting and groaning. Isak notices how Even’s fingers are moving more and more frantically inside of him, more scissoring him lose than applying pressure for pleasure.  

Isak looks down, gasps at how red and hard Even is, how wet his tip is from precum, and, just like that, Isak loses his patience.

He takes his fingers out and immediately starts putting the condom on Even with shaking fingers, struggling with his slippery hand and how he’s shaking from want and nerves.

Even puts his hand on top of his, stills his movements and just proceeds to help him put it on the rest of the way. And then he puts his hands on Isak’s thighs, just waiting for him to take the next step.

Isak takes a moment there, sits up straight just to look at Even for a bit. Lets himself see just how much Even wants him as well and he’s still just completely flooded with this feeling of how _right_ this is. So Isak moves.

It’s slow and deliberate, how he pushes himself up a bit, how he reaches behind him to direct Even’s dick so the tip is just by his entrance.

He keeps looking at Even, keeps their eyes locked, wants to see how much this affects him, and then slowly lowers his body a bit, just enough for the tip to breach him.

He breathes through it, lets himself revel in the burn and the familiar feeling of Even inside of him. It doesn’t hurt and it’s not even uncomfortable. It feels so _good_ right from the get go that he just keeps lowering himself on Even’s cock slowly, feeling Even stretch him, making room for himself in Isak.

Isak keeps going, steady, but surely, takes more and more of Even inside of him, until he’s sitting on top of Even. His thighs are already shaking, and he can feel his body heat up impossibly more.

He’s sure he’s red all over by now, and he feels dazed and so fucking sensitive everywhere, just from sitting still with Even’s dick inside of him. He’s sure he must look _obscene_ to Even. He’s not even moving yet, just enjoying how Even opens him up, how he feels straining against his walls, twitching inside of him, like Even can’t help it, can’t keep still anymore.

“Even,” he says, not really sure what he wants to _say_ , he just needs to say something, to make his mouth work some of the feeling of being a bit overwhelmed out of him.

“Jesus, Isak,” Even responds like he _knows_ , and he moves to sit up. His legs spread a bit in order for him to get up and that makes Even’s dick move inside of Isak in a way that forces a groan out of Isak and heats him up even more.

Even immediately starts kissing Isak’s slack mouth, pushes his tongue inside, and Isak feels like he can’t _breathe_ , it’s just so good to be surrounded by Even like this. Everything is Even, Isak is enveloped in his scent, in his heat, in his arms and his body, and it’s just on the verge of being too much. He feels almost out of control.

But Even tightens his arms around him, and uses that grip to move Isak a bit on his dick. It’s just a grind, a _dirty_ grind, but it makes tiny shivers of electricity spark up Isak’s spine and he can’t help but whine at the feeling.

As soon as he’s capable of it, he starts kissing Even back, buries one hand in Even’s hair and the other is tight around his shoulder, pressing their upper bodies together. And then Isak starts to move.

He starts out with small, delicious rolls of his hips, just getting a feel for Even’s dick inside of him, but just those small movements light him up, make him want _more_. He starts using his thighs, lifting himself to slowly slide up and down Even’s dick. The delicious friction of it against his walls makes Isak move faster, roll his hips more on every slide up and down.

Isak abandons the kiss to put his forehead down on Even’s shoulder, and his movements get more enthusiastic and less coordinated.

It feels incredible, little flares of pleasure spike through him, flowing over his skin, making heat coil in his stomach. His own dick is rubbing against Even’s abs and it just adds to the fire inside of Isak.

Even lets go of him and puts his hands on Isak’s hips to help guide his movements. And the feel of Even’s hands clutching his hips like that makes Isak more frantic and he can’t help but quicken the pace.

He’s is finding it harder and harder to control himself, he’s clinging to Even, arms tight around him. He’s surprised by the sounds pouring out of him, he’s sure that he’s never sounded like that in his entire life. With anybody else. And this feels like _everything_.

“Even, Even, fuck,” Isak sighs right into Even’s ear and he can feel the shivers his words cause in Even.  

It’s getting more and more impossible for Isak to keep up the speed and the movements, he’s losing control over his body, over the euphoria he’s feeling and he clenches his teeth through the burn in his thighs.

But Even must sense it, must feel it in how hard he’s shaking, must hear it in the desperate noises he’s making, because he somehow releases himself from Isak’s grip, lays back down on the bed and pushes his legs up, finding purchase on the bed.  And then he starts fucking up into Isak.

Isak is _dying_. The change in angle makes Even’s dick rub against his prostate with every damn thrust, and just like that Isak has completely lost control over his body. He’s just moving along, feeling everything a million times more intensely than he’s ever done before.

With every thrust his dick slaps against Even’s abs, causing little shocks of pleasure to shoot up his dick, adding to the tightening of the coil in his stomach. He’s so fucking close to coming, the constant pressure of his prostate making him go higher and higher, and he feels like he might fall any second.

Even tightens his grip on Isak’s hips, pushes him down onto his dick harder with every thrust and Isak can feel Even growing closer and closer as well. His movements become sloppier, more frantic and Isak lets his eyes roam over Even’s body, until his eyes reach his.

Isak can’t look away, is mesmerized by how gone Even looks, dazed with his pupils completely blown. Even is looking back at him, and Isak feels the room fading away around them, until it’s just them in this little bubble all alone in the universe.

With that thought in mind, Isak comes. It’s explosive and takes over all his senses. He’s gasping through it, his dick shooting cum like there’s no tomorrow. All the muscles in his body tighten, and he can’t hear the sounds he’s making over the roar of blood in his ears.

And Even keeps making these small stabs at his prostate that prolongs his orgasm to the point where it’s almost too much, but he doesn’t stop Even. Just lets the ecstasy take him, gives himself over completely to the feeling.

As the orgasm slowly ebbs out, he forces his eyes to open. And the sight of Even under him is doing _things_ to Isak. Even has Isak’s cum on his chin, on his chest, covering his stomach, and it’s just starting to drip down his throat. Even looks so close himself, has his eyes locked on where Even is fucking up into Isak, and he’s making these noises in his throat that Isak can’t remember him ever making before.  

Isak can’t handle it, he just can’t, it’s too much to see Even covered in his cum like that. He leans forward, completely mesmerized by the glob on Even’s chin, and starts to lick at it. As soon as Isak’s tongue meets Even’s chin, Even tightens his grip on Isak’s hips hard, pushes himself as far inside of Isak as he possibly can, and then he comes.

Isak swallows all the sounds pouring out of Even, kisses him through his orgasm. Even’s grip is still tight on his hips, his muscles tightly clenched, and he keeps drilling into Isak, like he could possibly get any further inside of him.

Isak feels his dick twitch at that thought, almost wishes he could get hard again, Even’s just too hot like this.

Finally, Even relaxes and falls back onto the bed. He’s panting and shivering, looks dazed and overwhelmed. And Isak can’t help but follow him, has to kiss Even, has to be as close to him as he can. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s feeling a little vulnerable and like his skin is almost too small for his body.

In a movement that doesn’t seem quite conscious Even puts his arms around Isak, like he feels it too. His thumbs drawing small soothing circles into Isak’s skin, his arms pulling him closer.

Isak should pull back, should lie down next to Even to recover, they’re both covered in cum and sweat, complete messes, but in this moment he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care if they get stuck to each other like this. He can’t imagine being anywhere else but here in Even’s arms.

Isak’s hand instinctively finds Even’s tattoo on his chest, and he can’t help but stroke it. He feels more connected to Even than he’s ever been. More in sync. And they keep kissing through their come-down. Kissing through their breaths slowing and their sweat cooling.

And it’s never been like this for Isak. Not even when they were together before. And as Even just keeps him there in his arms, making Isak feel so loved and happy, and _at home_ , he knows that this is how he wants it to be for the rest of his life. He’s finally ready to use that word for them.

Forever.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PHEW!!! So, Isak can be a bit extra as well when he wants to, these two really are a match made in heaven… <3
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this last chapter and I just want to thank you all for your support. You guys are such a pleasure to write for! Every last one of your comments and kudos have made me so, so happy and you are all the best! <3 <3 <3 
> 
> And also, let me just add that my tumblr is always open if you want to talk to me. I swear I won't bite... ;) ;)

**Author's Note:**

> So, I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of this labour of love and I hope you’ll be a part of the rest of the ride with me. <3
> 
> I’m [nofeartina](http://www.nofeartina.tumblr.com) on tumblr as well, you're welcome to come play with me! :)
> 
> As always, kudos and comments make me the happiest of campers… :)


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